Happiness

Sometime during the summer of 2001 I decided to keep a list of everything that made me happy to remind me of the multitude of joyous sensations there are to be found upon this earth according to me. Considering now the events of September 11th, 2001 & the aftermath that has caused & continues to cause the blood, gloom & lack of mercy dominating our human condition perhaps it is time that we all kept a list of the things in life that make us happy & that we are thankful for. So in the spirit of chasing some of the dark clouds away I present to you my very own personal reminder of why life doesn’t always suck which is my list of everything that makes me happy…

  1. Kissing & good kissers, kissing is everything
  2. Being onstage feeling the waves of laughter wash over me & it’s purifying qualities
  3. Writing funny new material
  4. Gentle forehead kisses
  5. Nipples like pencil erasers
  6. Bill Murray
  7. Orange juice
  8. Palm trees dancing in gentle breezes
  9. Ice cream trucks
  10. Being on television
  11. Touching people’s lives for the better anyway you freely can
  12. Hot steamy showers on ice cold days
  13. Bacon & egg sandwiches, anywhere, anytime
  14. Skinny dipping
  15. Inside jokes among comedians
  16. Most dogs
  17. When my woman pops the zits on my back
  18. Blueberry frosted pop-tarts hot from the toaster
  19. Really good pens with easy flowing ink
  20. My endless art projects & endless ideas of creation
  21. Travelling to far away places & getting to know them
  22. Having friends in cities wherever I go
  23. Brand new fluffy cotton socks
  24. Spending New Year’s Eve with my Dad
  25. That Muhammad Ali is a Capricorn
  26. Being 35 & still splashing through puddles on rainy days
  27. Doing laundry & the fresh warm goodness at the end of completing the task
  28. The relationship between the Pyramids & the Stars
  29. Letting the crazy guy on the street know you are just as crazy as him only with your eyes
  30. Feeding birds in the park bread & appreciating how amazingly quick more of them gather
  31. Tree lined boulevards
  32. The playful laughter of care free children
  33. Freeloading off of my sister
  34. Irritating my brother & being the leftist commie of the family
  35. Skinny brown women with no tits
  36. The gravitational pull of temptation
  37. Streamlining down an uphill sidewalk with a big city stride
  38. Admiring the shapely ass of a stranger while riding public transportation
  39. Black coffee & the internet
  40. Seeing Catholic girls who have gone bad
  41. Strange sound effects made by funny children that you can’t keep from laughing because of
  42. Steve McQueen
  43. Happening upon “Pappion” – my favorite Steve McQueen movie just as it was beginning on a Saturday afternoon when I didn’t have a single thing planned for the day
  44. Motorcycles with sidecars
  45. That people are still paying money to see Tom Rhodes
  46. Leaving a relationship confident that I’ll be loved again
  47. The book of Psalms
  48. Badminton
  49. Sitting on my Mom’s back porch waiting for the rain to come dance on the roof as I sit with my electric typewriter plugged in ready to capture it all
  50. Going barefoot for as long as I possibly can in summer
  51. Refreshing plunges in the pool on hot Florida days
  52. Cut off shorts & the smell of chlorine on a woman
  53. Ice cold milk with fresh baked cookies
  54. Getting my hair cut by a pregnant woman
  55. Banana moon pies
  56. Bubbalou’s bodacious Bar-B-Q of Orlando, Florida
  57. Hanging out with my best friend Lou
  58. People who give without taking
  59. People who love their careers & no desire to be famous whatsoever
  60. People who have been burnt but who are not bitter & still see the joy in life
  61. How happy a simple balloon can make a little child
  62. Finally getting over your high school flame(s)
  63. Halibut fish tacos
  64. Isaac Babel
  65. Balsa wood aeroplanes
  66. Pirate flags
  67. Black panther fist salutes
  68. Hindu wedding parties
  69. Gay European techno music
  70. Henry Miller
  71. Oviedo, Florida
  72. Wilmington, North Carolina
  73. Washington D.C.
  74. 82 channels of mindless American television
  75. Everything Mexican, Mexican people, Mexican heritage, Mexican food, Mexican music & the country of Mexico itself the next great world power
  76. My undying faith in the underdog & believing in the furthest reachable dreams
  77. The grief & agony in the melodic moans of the late great Hank Williams
  78. How hard I can rock the Sacramento mini-mall comedy club
  79. Rumors & legends I’ve heard about myself told to me by others that aren’t even close to being true & the ones that are
  80. When someone comes into my life & we experience private moments of truthful communication that impacts me profoundly & I don’t realize how special that moment & or the person was until long after the fact
  81. My Dad’s love & pride for me & how he lifts me up when I am down
  82. My first pair of cufflinks (A gift from my Dad)
  83. Knowing that I am living my dream
  84. Being freshly shaved
  85. Anthropology
  86. That on my 35th birthday I didn’t want anything because I felt like I already had everything I ever wanted
  87. The fact that I’ve bought 3 copies of Ryan Adams’ Gold because the 1st 2 got scratched on my favorite song
  88. Seeing people dance at the Virgin megastore while they shop
  89. The beauty & grace that all women possess that is their power over men
  90. The money & effort humans spend in pursuit of washboard abs
  91. Getting the biggest tub of popcorn at the movies
  92. Driving with the windows down to a special mix tape I’ve made
  93. Listening to Tom Petty & being proud because he is the patron saint of all Florida white trash
  94. Revolving doors
  95. Ping Pong
  96. Birthday cake
  97. My Bob Dylan fan club sheriff’s badge that my friend Jim Short gave to me
  98. My limited edition Stereophonics Zippo lighter
  99. Hotel mini-bars when I can afford them & the same goes for room service
  100. Asian food, especially Sushi
  101. Yo-Yos
  102. Laughing with strangers
  103. When existing relationships go even deeper
  104. The sound of birds singing in the trees
  105. Ice cold beverages, especially beer & coca-cola
  106. B.E.T. (Black Entertainment television)
  107. Seeing live concerts in San Francisco
  108. When a live night club band or DJ can bring out the animalistic self expressive hip pumps of being free
  109. Dancing until I am covered in sweat in a mass of people
  110. Watching the Leonid meteor shower from Blue Canyon, California
  111. The joyous spirit & happy songs to be found at Abundant Life Ministries church in Oakland, California & how easily that fuel can fill your tank to carry you down the road
  112. Going down Fulton street in San Francisco on a shopping cart & riding it the length between Scott & Steiner streets along Alamo square park late at night
  113. A slice of pepperoni from Golden Boy pizza in North Beach, San Francisco as you read subversive literature & wash it down with a coke
  114. Being beside the water & thoughtlessly watching boats cruise along atop the ripples
  115. Seeing a beautiful woman in the airport who ends up sitting next to you on the plane (Even if you barely speak).
  116. The thrill I still get from take off & the experience of breaking through the clouds on a wet, grey, overcast day & discovering the pure sunshine above & the blanket of clouds beneath your ascending plane that was the roof hanging over the bad day you have left behind
  117. Duty free shopping
  118. The Roxy theatre in the mission district of San Francisco
  119. Good time oldies stations of American radio
  120. The Empress of China restaurant in Chinatown, San Francisco 838 Grant Ave.
  121. The well dressed business woman in a business suit with a skirt on Sutter street who consciously made the decision after looking at me that she would flash me a free cookie shot as she stepped out of her Jaguar without panties on as I strode past & the smile she gave me after I realized what had just happened when I looked back at her as she paused on the sidewalk then quickly heading into a theatre where a show was about to begin without me ever loosing step or slowing down towards my destination
  122. The smell of Chinese rose soap on freshly washed skin
  123. The abundance of American supermarkets & the over the top experimental ones in Los Angeles where you can watch TV as you stand in line & get up to the minute baseball scores as well as seasonal vegetable tips of what is in season, it’s price & helpful ways suggesting how you could serve them
  124. Seeing war flicks with my Dad & watching shit blow up on the big screen
  125. Broccoli, Black eyed peas, collard greens & asparagus
  126. Deviled eggs
  127. Iranian caviar
  128. The Lavender mist spray I bought in Big Sur, California
  129. Paying it forward to Jah people
  130. Feeling someone’s heart beat against your chest when you hug them
  131. The vulnerability of Elizabeth Taylor
  132. Being as tanned as Paul Newman was in the movie “Hombre”
  133. The 5 mile stretch of road between Sunset & Ventura Boulevards on Laurel Canyon in Los Angeles
  134. Unexpectedly hearing a song that I love but had forgotten about on the radio
  135. Polishing off 5 Pacifico’s by myself in the wee hours of night
  136. Knowing that there is no wrong way to do anything
  137. Anti-white people/anti-power structure literature & other forms of expression about the same
  138. Unexpectedly witnessing compassion & personal acts of kindness
  139. How one life can touch so many others
  140. Knowing people who are going after their dreams no matter how ridiculous they may seem
  141. Inspired street performers
  142. Snorkeling along the Napoli coast, Kauai, Hawaii
  143. Being among the creations of Salvador Dali
  144. How my friends from Kenya who live in Houston honored me in the traditional Kenyan way by inviting me in their home for their special & tantalizingly delicious goat stew & invited all of their friends over to meet me & how we all took these good feelings to my show that night & hung out afterwards drinking, talking & sharing everything that makes us laugh or put more simply, my friend Jabone & his wife Lisa from Kenya make me happy & feel truly appreciated
  145. Playing Uno & Scrabble until all hours of the night with my dear brother Rich Hall in London & laughing wildly because he & his woman were cheating at these innocent games
  146. London after a light rain walking home over the slick & sexy cobblestones after I ripped the balls off of the Comedy Store thinking about how the audience cheered & called me back out onstage giving me my first ever no bullshit encore & how I blushed when I reemerged onstage & even better was the feeling later walking home by myself feeling the rare moment of actually being happy with myself.
  147. The view from the window of my favorite Chinese joint in London, 1979
  148. The loud laughter of drunken English people
  149. Looking out on Hong Kong harbor & or taking the star ferry across it
  150. Having the money to have some tailor made clothes done for myself while in Hong Kong & how wearing them makes me bring out the pimp shit
  151. Seeing Fat Boy Slim while in China & the odd fright I got among the cool youth of that nation as everyone tried to have a good time & forget the communist soldiers around the perimeters with machine guns in their hands
  152. Beijing, China & the good humor I found there among the people even from the poorest people among them
  153. The cheap ass Chairman Moa watch I bought in Beijing & how you have to thump him on the head to get it to work
  154. The amount of ass I kicked onstage in Hong Kong on the last night of my China tour
  155. The private villa I had to myself in Bali, Indonesia with my own private pool craddle within my own temple garden with a stereo system & a sky full of kites playing above in the gentle tropical breezes
  156. Still believing in my dreams & realizing when one from long ago comes true
  157. Living in Amsterdam
  158. Taking the Thalys train from Amsterdam to Paris & enjoying a cup of tea on the journey like a gentleman
  159. All of the sensations that come alive in me when I visit Paris & the tingles & titillations I get no matter how long or brief my stay there is
  160. Performing at The Hotel du Nord in Paris & time spent with one of the coolest humans I have ever known, my friend & impresario Karel Beer
  161. Being drunk & holding on tight on the back of Karel’s scooter as we motor through the Bastille area of Paris late at night
  162. Being presented cheese from Corsica, The Pyrannes & Normandy all on one plate by the mother of my first big love story ex-girlfriend & how much love her Mom still pours on me when I stay with her & still treats me like the prodigal son after all these years
  163. How I never seem to experience the shitty stereotyped situations you here about from people who visited Paris & didn’t like the place & how my friends there always help me discover something new each time I am there
  164. The Decadence of the Romans (& The painting of this name that hangs in the D’Orsey museum in Paris
  165. Walking west down Boulevard Voltaire with my best Pashmina scarf around my neck (made from the hair of goats chins) with the click, click, click of my closed umbrella hitting the sidewalk fulfilling my boyhood dreams of being an international big shot man of style rightfully sauntering like the peacock I once imagined I wanted to be
  166. Walking with an open umbrella, whether it is to block out the strong sun or to trot about a city underneath in the rain
  167. How on the train back to Amsterdam from Paris the announcements go from French to Dutch after it has reached Antwerp & the same snack car guy who was gentle & helpful with my feeble French is just as helpful with my feeble Dutch
  168. That I am trying to learn Dutch & how long & incredibly difficult some of their words are to pronounce
  169. Renting those little tourist boats you operate yourself & motoring aroung the canals of Amsterdam with the right person in the majestic golden sunlight of summer that is to be found there
  170. Whenever I see a windmill I am happy
  171. Bitterballen
  172. Old Dutch cheese on sunflower bread with a cold Heineken
  173. Lounging in the grass of Vondel park in Amsterdam drinking wine with friends on a sunny day
  174. Standing upright & peeing in the canals of Amsterdam like a true Dutchman the way it was taught to me by my Dutch friends
  175. Riding a bicycle home through the stillness of night & being calmed by the silence of such a great city as most of her citizens are asleep
  176. My friend Saunder’s bad ass punk band The Skidmarks & how they play for the fun & love of it & appear to have no trace of greedy intentions or a desire to conquer the world when they are busting out all kinds of whoopass crunch from the stage
  177. My friend Marcel Scheffer & his wonderfully innocent daughters with his loving wife that make up their loving home & how he has never failed to produce a new poem or song to share with me anytime I have ever seen him & how he is always concerned with me expressing my most tender self & by his example inspires me to
  178. My friend Gerke Nauta who knows where to find comedy gold & has the sweetest true ringing laugh when you have genuinely rung his bell of sensibilities, at 6’5″ he is the most gentle, fun loving leader without a trace of arrogance & somehow he has effortlessly hypnotized me into believing he is not my boss but my best friend & aside from his example of how to be a gentle thoughtful man I am at my happiest when we are creating comedy together
  179. That I once loved a bright young beautiful girl from a little town in the North of Holland & that it became a magnificent adventure & one of the greatest & truest love stories of my life & I am continually amazed at the fruit that is produced from all that we once were & had together. She taught me to have fun again & to see my own greatness & how to set free all the goodness I have inside & forget about everything other than enjoying the now & the sweet true laughs that only living in the present can bring which can only be taught by wonderfully unique & special souls from small nowhere towns who believe in the simple truest things that give life meaning 180 Being given my own late night talk show on Dutch television The previous 180 happy thoughts were posted June 2002 and I must say I never knew it would cause such a wide reaching reaction. Sweet messages from people who were inspired to start their own Happiness list, relatives and friends upset because they didn’t make the list, interviewers wanting to know why certain things were in certain order. This is just my goofy ass list of things that make me happy. I’ve spent so much of my life chasing after it I think I’m entitled to let it out as it flows. This year I heard my childhood friend Nate Stout killed himself & just a few days ago my dearest darling friend Charlie Shannon dropped dead. More and more people are dropping dead, from self- inflicted metal blasts and otherwise. Take care of yourselves kids, try to remember all the reasons you have to be happy and spill a little champagne along the way, for your dead hommies. It is now January 2004 and the list continues…
  180. Yorin Travel. Two of my favorite things in life is being on television & traveling and me getting to be a presenter on this show for the Yorin network of the Netherlands is the greatest job anyone could ever ask for. God bless the Dutch explorers.
  181. Being on vacation
  182. Being beside water
  183. The smell of Hawaiian Tropic sun tanning oil and how Ron Rice should consider coming out with a fragrance of the same
  184. The beach, any beach even if it’s polluted
  185. Going barefoot for as long as I can in summer
  186. The smell of freshly cut grass
  187. Go carts
  188. Water slides
  189. Ice cream trucks
  190. Drive in movies theatres (When you can find them)
  191. Devil women from Mars
  192. 5 dollar bottomless Mimosas
  193. The words moist and tasty
  194. The best date I ever had with Ann Petrak on Cocoa Beach to watch a Nasa night launch with wine and blanket and how magnificently the dark night at 3am was total daylight illuminating down on the good time we were having.
  195. Key West, Florida, which I found the best way to see, was with Ann Petrak. Buffalo shrimp, pirate history, ghost tour, Earnest Hemmingway and Ann Petrak with the smell of Hawaiian coconut oil on a beach with palm trees as the rest of the nation freezes in winter. Yes, this is the frozen moment I want to be living over and over.
  196. What Faye Woodruff taught the Parrot to say at the Key West comedy condo years ago
  197. The innocence of Columbus, Ohio
  198. Polaroids. Because Polaroids don’t lie
  199. Turning over pennies on the street so that other people will believe they have found good luck
  200. Raisin toast with butter
  201. Getting KFC in a bucket and flinging the chicken bones out of a rented convertible like a hillbilly
  202. Being surprised KFC in Thailand doesn’t sell chicken in the buckets like ours do in America but flinging the chicken bones like a hillbilly anyway
  203. Jack Kerouac. Especially the recording of him reading the last paragraphs of ‘On the road’. “And don’t you know that God is Pooh bear?
  204. The Greek island of Rhodes and going there for no other reason than it bares my name and I always wanted to go there.
  205. The old man who cleans the fountain of Helliocropils square everyday out of the goodness of his own heart.
  206. My first dip in the Aegean sea
  207. My million dollar secret idea to eviscerate moustaches of Greek women
  208. The old fisherman I met and hung out with every night I was on the island of Rhodes and how he would get upset every time I would call him a fisherman. “I am not a fisherman,” he would exclaim “I just come to the sea to relax and God gives me the fish.” Meanwhile he would have five fishing lines in the sea at all times while he studied each one like a master. One night after he caught nothing, after he packed up as he was leaving he said “Sometimes the sea says no.” I have never liked octopus and this old fisherman gave me octopus better than the best steak I’ve ever eaten. God bless him, good fucker.
  209. Swimming naked the length of Rhodes harbor entrance and back drunk at 3am because I thought it would give me super powers being that that was where the Colosus of Rhodes once stood. I don’t know if I gained any super powers but at least it wasn’t a Jeff Buckley in the Mississippi moment for me. *Being naked is one of the keys to happiness. Spending as much time as you can naked is a great cause of happiness.
  210. knowing that the island of Rhodes is known for exotic butterflies.
  211. Knowing that Berlin is the Kansas City of Europe.
  212. Unconvincing Transvestites
  213. Tabloid photography
  214. Third world cops
  215. The patheticness of Jimmy Corrigan
  216. Page 333 of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’; “Love loves to love love.”
  217. The imaginary conversations I sometimes have with Oprah Winfrey.
  218. The perpetual glorification of youth.
  219. The intentional imperfections of Native American art
  220. Bell bottom hip hugger pants
  221. The right to offend
  222. The art of being spontaneous
  223. The life and legend of Evil Knievel
  224. The red shanked Langur found only in Vietnam and Laos
  225. Mendocino county line
  226. Outlaw cowboy singers
  227. The gift of Jamaican independence
  228. Curry goat and rice
  229. The multi-ethnic polyrhythmic surroundings of the Citron club on Connecticut Ave. in Washington D.C. Spanish, Latin and Arabic girls dancing, swinging and grinding with all of their being in reckless abandon. Hooray! Hooray!
  230. Being anywhere were people are being free
  231. House music all night long
  232. The silent mating call of a young republic
  233. Listerine breathe sheets
  234. Extreme sport Jesus
  235. Spiritual seekers welcoming diversity
  236. Bible thumping urban shakedowns
  237. Punk rock girls
  238. Crooked smiles
  239. My collection of books
  240. My collection of airline vomit bags
  241. Not fucking strippers
  242. The Golden Gate bridge and the path that highway 101 cuts through the dry brown hills of Northern California.
  243. The dreamy Asian girls of Clement street in San Francisco and the solitude I find at Green Apple books imagining the possibilities as I explore the titles of books.
  244. Molly’s butterflies
  245. Mountains. Mountains make you humble, just like getting a flat tire.
  246. Fix a flat
  247. Flying business class on Lufthansa airlines from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Germany and reading in the in flight magazine story of an Asian man who has given up all his possessions in search of knowledge and the meaning of life.
  248. Herman Hesse’s ‘Siddhartha’
  249. Virgin airlines and Virgin record stores
  250. Richard Branson’s spirit of fun
  251. Tower records on Sunset Boulevard
  252. Driving as fast as I can on the elevated highways of Los Angeles late at night passing all the monkeys because my car was built to cruise
  253. The rock star apartment I had for 2 years on top of the Hollywood hills
  254. The rock star apartment I had for 1 year in the center of Amsterdam
  255. The fact that I could not pronounce the name of the street I lived on in Amsterdam. Lange Leidse Dwarsstraat.
  256. Getting 3 kisses when you greet a Dutch woman
  257. My old Dutch Gazelle girl’s bike
  258. Riding my bike through the tunnel of the Rijks museum in Amsterdam
  259. The salsa festival I happened upon in Vondel park in Amsterdam this past summer.
  260. The mushroom revelation I had about family, children and bubbles this past summer.
  261. Savory Dutch pancakes
  262. The word savory
  263. The mystic vibrations of Java
  264. The vast gloriousness of Australia
  265. The ‘Brown Bag’ stationary store on Fillmore and Pine in San Francisco
  266. Listening to Billy Crystal talk about Mickey Mantle
  267. Mickey Mantle
  268. Ted Williams
  269. Willie Mays
  270. The homeruns I have seen Barry Bonds smack in the water at Pac Bell park
  271. The batting stance of Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves
  272. Tiger Woods’ eyes
  273. The fact that Kim Oliva has seen me perform on 3 different continents and that she is one of my oldest and dearest friends
  274. That wet paper money is still openly accepted in Florida
  275. Jackie Gleason proclaiming “How sweet it is!” 2005 was a hard year for comedy. We lost 2 American comedy giants with the deaths of Richard Pryor and Johnny Carson, 2 of my all time favorite heroes. Also I lost 3 very good friends who were also genius comedians, Mitch Hedberg, Freddy Soto and Warren Thomas. I loved all those boys, it’s so strange that they are gone and I can only take comfort in the thought that legends never die – their memory lives on forever. God bless each of these heavenly saints for all they contributed to in helping the people of the earth forget their troubles. Remember children; all that we have is the art that we leave behind. It’s now June 2006 and summer is finally here after a long lonely winter, the sun blazing bright and late in the day as the world cup grips me and the rest of the world bringing everyone of every kind of human species together. I am in love with my life and I am in love with the world. On with the happy list…
  276. Tangerines
  277. Eye patches
  278. Pogo sticks
  279. Midgets in matador outfits
  280. Fortune cookies
  281. Nail gun survivors
  282. Misusing my Vic’s inhaler
  283. Surfing documentaries
  284. Swirling my air lasso
  285. Bob Ross
  286. Bob Ross’ afro
  287. Stroopwaffles
  288. Jelly belly jelly beans
  289. The Jelly belly flavor of the month club
  290. Baby wildebeests
  291. Sky scraper national park
  292. Willing myself invisible when the cops are around
  293. Refrigerator magnets that are also bottle openers
  294. Celebrity refrigerators
  295. My man crush on Bob Dylan
  296. Songs about supreme male confidence
  297. Old Citreon’s with canvas tops
  298. The New York times’ letters to the editor
  299. Debauched 17th century poets
  300. Museum gift shops
  301. Greta Garbo
  302. Moleskin notebooks
  303. Light sweet crude
  304. The color burnet sienna
  305. Pandas
  306. Capricious witticisms
  307. Wet cement messages
  308. Seneca
  309. Apostle’s of common sense
  310. Wondering if Adam and Eve had belly buttons
  311. Oprah’s nipple
  312. Reflecting the golden light
  313. Celestial fireworks
  314. The Buddhist concept of letting all living things be and respecting what they are
  315. Pitching a wang dang doodle all night long
  316. The Edmonton Eskimos
  317. Knowing that Tigger could never loose his bounce
  318. Knowing that human beings are instruments built for joy
  319. Knowing that Jay is a bitch ass whore
  320. The phrase “Heaven’s to Betsy!”
  321. Celebrity Uno
  322. Curvaliciousness
  323. Pagan love songs
  324. Boat names
  325. Horse names
  326. Horse names
  327. Native American names War Eagle, Lean Wolf, Rushing Bear, Young Whirlwind, Crazy Horse, etc.
  328. The God point of Native American art (God enters in the mistake).
  329. The Everywhere spirit
  330. The disease to please
  331. The art of desire
  332. The lovers of truth
  333. Tripping the light fantastic
  334. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
  335. Lindeman’s Merlot of Australia (Euphoria in every bottle).
  336. Elegant, assertive wines with glorious full fruit flavors
  337. My imaginary conversations with Perry Ferrel
  338. Spending my money on clothes instead of drugs
  339. Being 39 and still splashing through puddles on rainy days
  340. Referring to Amsterdam as the Tijuana of Europe
  341. Eatting Cinammon ice cream at the Cobra cafe on museumplein in Amsterdam on Easter Sunday
  342. Mama’s Shawarma * 56 Korteleidsedwarstraat, Amsterdam
  343. The Albert Hein grocery store that is underneath the Van Gogh museum
  344. Walking down Johannes Vermeerstraat with a book of Dante Gabriel Rossetti in a Vincent van Gogh bag
  345. Anniek Pheifer shitting her pants in Big Sur, California as I bought lavender mist spray
  346. Ton, the mad Polish dreamer who plays a one string banjo in the tunnel underneath the Rijks museum. By most text book definitions he is a crazy homeless person but sometimes I like to buy him beer and talk to him. He told me that he is trying to achieve purity. He also told me his idea for world peace, according to Ton the reason there is war is because people do not have enough gold fish in their lives. “The reason Mr. Bush started this war is because he has no gold fish. If everyone had a gold fish there would be no war in this world.” It is Ton’s vision he told me one night, to drain the canals of Amsterdam and refill them with fresh water and gold fish. Ton kept referring to it as ‘The gold fish project’ and he even made me ‘The general of the gold fish project’ because he believed I could help him get his message out to many people.
  347. The gold fish project
  348. Being the general of the gold fish project
  349. Utrechtstraat in Amsterdam. By day it is like a river flowing with life, but at night she is quite and calm like a delicate stream
  350. The hotel Armada
  351. Gary Christmas
  352. Reading David Sedaris on airplanes and laughing out loud uncontrollably and getting strange looks from the other passengers
  353. Henry Miller’s epiphanies on human futility and his observations on Greece in the ‘Collosus of Maroosi
  354. Garage sales of ancient Greece
  355. The stormers of winter palaces
  356. Pimps. The pimp game. The art of pimpin’ and the word pimpoliciousness
  357. Pimp steak
  358. The ancient secrets of the Aztecs
  359. The volcanic peaks of the Mexican highlands
  360. Uraguyan resistance
  361. Yanik Noah
  362. Yvonne Goolagon
  363. The quick flick of a zippo lighter
  364. Thai women’s asses
  365. The triumph of oversimplification
  366. Why I love Pinot Grigio
  367. Horton hears a who
  368. The Chi flow
  369. Dreaming out loud
  370. Barbie sparkling bubble fruit toothpaste by colgate
  371. Banana flavored rolling paper (because I like my weed to give me the illusion that I am getting potassium.)
  372. Potassium (even in illusion form.)
  373. Harry Belefante calling Colin Powel a house n—–.
  374. Knowing that white people should never use the n word not even when reciting rap lyrics
  375. Discovering a new writer and wanting to devour all of his books
  376. ‘A heart breaking work of staggering genius’ by Dave Eggers
  377. ‘Shantaram’ by Gregory David Roberts
  378. Page 313 of ‘Desolation Angels’ and Jack Kerouac’s use of the word ‘poontang’
  379. Page 340 of ‘Desolation Angels’ and Jack Kerouac saying “Why travel if not like a child?”
  380. The joyful explosion of endorphins as you walk into an empty post office with no line or waiting
  381. That Paul Trefonis is the same sweet wonderful person he was when we were boys.
  382. Beertje van Beers checking the compatabilty of our zodiac signs
  383. The Rose I gave Beertje van Beers and the weeds in her garden that it revealed
  384. Sam Coleman telling me that Beertje van Beers was a bad kisser
  385. Sam Coleman, Mr. Bubbles, Mr. Fun. Sam Coleman is one of the best friends I made while living in Amsterdam. He is from San Diego and is a journalist living in Amsterdam, we met when he interviewed me for Ex-Patriots magazine. He rented a limousine and we went to TikkiBaad, an indoor waterslide park in Den Hague. for a while Sam went through a phase of dressing up and acting like Andy Warhol in the nightclubs we would go out to. Full on acting like Andy Warhol taking photos with a polaroid and giving the pictures out to all of the beautiful people. Sam is far braver than I will ever be like that, he really brings comedy to people of the street. For the longest time Sam had a toy gun that shot out and endless amount of bubbles. The children in the summertime streets of Amsterdam would go crazy with delight at the amount of bubbles Sam would put into the air specifically for their joy. Sam is married to a Swedish hottie named Stella who is an international DJ star and soon they will be relocating to Kuala Lumpor.
  386. The sound of champagne opening because it is synonymous with the sound of celebration
  387. The fable that when Dom Perignon discovered champagne he exclaimed: “I am drinking the stars!”
  388. Vueve Cliquot. My favorite champagne because it is what the girls on ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ drank and because of what the widow Cliquot did for the advancement of champagne production.
  389. The year I spent working for Yorin Travel, a travel TV program on Dutch television. It is everyone’s dream to do a travel TV show and I am grateful that I got to go to so many fabulous places
  390. The Champagne region of France
  391. St. Petersburg, Russia
  392. The Hermitage museum in St. Petersburg
  393. The Rembrandt room of the Hermitage museum
  394. Russian women’s asses
  395. Curacoa
  396. Aruba
  397. Papiamento
  398. Liverpool, England
  399. The Magical mystery bus tour in Liverpool
  400. The guidebook to Peru
  401. Understanding that what Pamela Anderson is to Playboy magazine Peru is to National Geographic magazine
  402. Isla Ballista and the 200 year war Peru had with Chile over guano (Bird shit)
  403. Renting a plane and flying over and seeing the Nasca lines (Something I dreamed of doing ever since I was a boy)
  404. Riding a motorcycle in the Peruvian desert
  405. The indigenous family I stayed with on Armenenti Island on Lake Titicaca and the ceremony for Pacha Mama (Mother Earth) that I witnessed
  406. Pacha Mama (Mother Earth)
  407. Lake Titicaca
  408. That the entire Inca society was based on reciprocity
  409. Wild herds of Llama
  410. Llama highway crossing signs
  411. Soaring condors
  412. Terrace farming
  413. Taking Peru rail from Puno to Cuzco in Inca class. Inca class is the last car on the train with open railing and a bar with cozy leather arm chairs. It is the first class car and it only costs 22 dollars, it is one of the best things I ever did in my life and will try to do it again before I die. I stood outside for most of the journey sipping Pisco sours and watching the beauty of the Andes mountains roll by.
  414. Pisco sours
  415. Cuzco, Peru (The once capitol of the entire Inca civilization)
  416. Machu Pichu (Also somewhere I dreamed of going my whole life and it was worth every drop of energy and every dime it cost to go there. Climbing up the Andes of the Inca highway for 2 days was worth it to be at the sun gate once the sun was coming up and the morning clouds dissipated unveiling Machu Pichu as if curtains were opening on a theatre show or a masterpiece of artwork)
  417. That people still wave in Peru
  418. The Incas vs. The Spaniards chess set I bought in Peru. I suck at chess, now when I play I can always be the Incas and when I get slaughtered it will be historically accurate
  419. Wido Dykstra
  420. Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s ‘Gallapagos’
  421. Wild Wadi in Dubai
  422. Barcelona’s Guell Park
  423. Layla, my Palestinian friend in Barcelona who refers to Israel as Palisreal
  424. The 10 Russian violinists who I heard playing for coins in the Barcelona subway
  425. The word joyousness
  426. Queen’s day in Amsterdam
  427. Silver Shiva
  428. Prince willem Alexander and his wife Maxima
  429. Suitclub of the Netherlands
  430. Sony of the Netherlands
  431. Rennes-le-chateau, France
  432. Performing at the Hotel du Nord in Paris
  433. Karel Beer
  434. Riding on the back of Karel’s scooter in Paris
  435. That in France the unemployed get free admission to all museums
  436. Knowing that the French invented lingerie and the bikini
  437. Sylvie Nicolas
  438. Guy de Maupasant
  439. Arthur Rimbaud
  440. Putting flowers on Arthur Rimbaud’s grave
  441. The triumphant beauty of Arabic women
  442. Meeting Jamila Azzouz in Alkmaar
  443. Watching Jamila clean the milkshake machine at McDonald’s
  444. The love story I had with Jamila and the epic 10 day trip we took around Europe before I moved back to America
  445. Charlieville, France Day 1
  446. Epirnay, France Day 2
  447. Arles, France Day 3
  448. Figueres, Spain Day 4
  449. Bilboa, Spain Day 5
  450. Biarritz, France Day 6
  451. Paris, France Day 7
  452. Paris, France Day 8
  453. Lille, France Day 9
  454. Antwerp, Belgium Day 10
  455. At the hotel Van Gogh in Arles drinking a peach iced tea on La Terrasse de Vincent and Jamila telling me that this trip “was like a great book that you didn’t want to end.”
  456. Van Gogh’s orchard paintings of Arles
  457. Wendy Van Dyke
  458. The Paradiso (The Paradiso is my favorite nightclub in Amsterdam, it was originally a church built in the 13th century but now it is a nightclub and concert hall and I have had some of the best times of my life there.)
  459. Seeing Jane’s Addiction at the Paradiso
  460. Seeing the White Stripes at the Paradiso
  461. Seeing Interpol at the Paradiso
  462. Seeing India Arie at the Paradiso
  463. Seeing Alejandro Escavedo at the Paradiso
  464. Jimi Hendrix live in Berkeley
  465. Pavement live in Paris 1994
  466. The Smashing Pumpkins
  467. The Sex Pistols
  468. The Clash
  469. Smoking weed at 4:20pm
  470. The Replacements
  471. The New York Dolls
  472. Johnny Thunders
  473. The Velvet Underground
  474. Lou Reed
  475. Roxy Music
  476. The Stooges
  477. Iggy Pop
  478. REM
  479. Bob Marley
  480. Van Morrison
  481. Tom Waits
  482. Mose Allison
  483. Patty Smith
  484. Rickie Lee Jones
  485. PJ Harvey
  486. Cat Power
  487. The Pixies
  488. That Joey Santiago is my favorite Filipino
  489. My Morning jacket
  490. Arcade fire
  491. Goldfrapp
  492. Meg White
  493. Knowing that Mick Jagger should have been awarded the Nobel Peace prize for the speech he gave at Altamonte. “People, people it’s within your power, Hell’s Angels everyone. This could be the most beautiful evening of our winter. If we are all one let’s know we are all one.”
  494. Charlie Watts’ drumming on ‘Loving cup’
  495. Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual healing’ (That song is sex on a stick)
  496. Curtis Mayfield
  497. Bill Withers
  498. Stevie Wonder
  499. Otis Redding
  500. Sly and the Family stone (Especially ‘Hot fun in the summertime)
  501. Larry Sanders
  502. Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge)
  503. The Trailer park boys
  504. Ricky Gervais
  505. Fred Willard
  506. Eugene Levy
  507. Sarah Silverman
  508. Benny Hill
  509. Dave Allen
  510. Monty Python
  511. The Avengers
  512. Ron Glass
  513. Max Baer Jr.
  514. Buddy Epson
  515. Mr. French from ‘Family Affair’
  516. Bikram Yoga
  517. Paramhansa Yogananda
  518. Bikram Choudhury
  519. Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in the film ‘Tombstone’. “I have not yet begun to defile myself” or “My hypocrisy only goes so far”
  520. Kurt Russell in ‘Tombstone’
  521. Goldie Hawn
  522. Kate Hudson
  523. Chris Robinson
  524. Rich Robinson
  525. The Black Crowes
  526. Scott Weiland
  527. Stone Temple Pilots
  528. Velvet Revolver
  529. Buddy Revel in the film ‘3 o’clock high’
  530. Andy Griffith in the film ‘A face in the crowd’
  531. Ray Winston in the film ‘Sexy beast’ Especially after Ben Kingsley’s Dirty Dee Dee speech Ray says: “I love her with all my heart”
  532. The book “Hagakure – The way of the samurai” by Yamamoto Tsunetono “No one will listen to an old man who does not have vitality”
  533. My Dad’s Las Vegas Filipno wedding
  534. My Dad’s retirement village trailer park
  535. Chelsea Peretti’s eyes
  536. Hilde Brontsema’s cleavage
  537. Hilde Brontsema’s wickedly wonderful sense of humor
  538. Hilde Brontsema’s intelligence
  539. Hilde Brontsema’s perfectly aerodynamic nose
  540. Waterskiing on Lindos bay beneath the acropolis on the island of Rhodes
  541. The Comedy Store in London I have had sex with a lot of women and I have done a lot of drugs and there is no better feeling than to be standing onstage at the Comedy Store in London with a packed house and ripping the ass of the place
  542. Walker’s Sensations potato chips of Great Britain Especially these flavors: Oven roasted chicken with thyme Slow roasted lamb and mint Sea salt and crushed black pepper Spicy Thai prawn
  543. Being on Never mind the buzzcocks
  544. Jonguelers Christmas money
  545. The strangely warm night I spent with Tigger in Fitzroy Square
  546. All the time I spent staying with Rich Hall on Fitzroy Square and how it was always easy to find my way home in London because of the BT tower
  547. Lotus Thai – 80 Cleveland st. My favorite Thai restaurant in London Get the gold bags and the spicy seafood combination
  548. After performing in Leeds, UK and the joy in my heart that I felt as I was leaving that shithole. Apparently The Who album ‘Live at Leeds’ was an inside joke that took me 30 years to get
  549. Japanese commercials I wish there was a 24 hour channel only of Japanese commercials
  550. Being in Tokyo with Dane Babbitt
  551. Taking the Tokyo subway across town to get a Tokyo Giants hat
  552. Seeing tired business men sleeping all over Tokyo
  553. Walking around Tokyo eating Kentuck Fried chicken and flicking the bones like a hillbilly
  554. Seeing a teenager in Tokyo with a shirt that said ‘White power’ Now either he doesn’t know what those English words say or else he belongs to a very liberal hate group. “We’d like you all to meet our newest member Yamamoto” Yamamoto raises his fist and says: “White power!”
  555. Knowing that the Denny’s menu in Japan will frighten the shit out of you
  556. Seeing the Japanese Beatles, ‘The Parrots’, play at a club in Tokyo called ‘Abbey road’ brilliant good fun, you’d swear you were listening to ‘The Beatles’ The Japanese John Lennon has a white girlfriend by the way
  557. Meeting Bart of Sony Netherlands at the Geronimo bar in the Rapugee district of Tokyo
  558. Viva Vietnam!
  559. Vietnamese food
  560. Vietnamese water puppets
  561. Staying at the Metropole hotel in Hanoi
  562. Thailand
  563. Thai food
  564. Being on top of the Banyan tree hotel in Bangkok at sunset
  565. Knowing that Thailand was never conquered by any outside nation. I believe that this is because of Thai boxing, outsiders came and saw them kneeing each other in the stomach and kicking each other in the head and thought maybe we shouldn’t mess with these people
  566. Knowing that the most beautiful women in the world are Thai men
  567. The Phi Phi islands
  568. maproa.com
  569. Being a fire dancer at Maproa on Ko Phi Phi, Thailand
  570. Learning to scuba dive in the bay of Bengal
  571. Scuba diving off the coast of Ko Phi Phi and seeing bottles and discarded tires at the bottom of the ocean and knowing that I will never litter in any way ever again
  572. How aware and alive I felt and how vivid were all of the colors of the earth as I sat on the beach at Maproa and gratefully watched the sunset hours after I almost drowned. Nothing makes you appreciate living like almost dying
  573. The Holy Tree suite at Maproa
  574. Bali
  575. thevillas.net
  576. Hong Kong
  577. The Shangri-la hotel in Hong Kong
  578. Hong Kong Phooey
  579. Working with Steve Hughes in Hong Kong
  580. Steve Hughes explaining to me the mark vs. no mark story. Steve and I were out one night in Hong Kong when we saw the Elvis of Hong Kong. He’s an old Chinese man who dresses like Elvis and walks around the city at night singing Elvis songs. Steve told me that the old man is leaving his mark. No matter who thinks he is a silly old man the truth of the matter is the old man has left his mark and will not be forgotten. Steve went on to say that the worst thing you could be in this life is a no mark. The whole time after this Steve and I ran around Hong Kong saying to each other: “Don’t be a no mark”
  581. Steve Hughes saving my glasses from getting crushed when they got knocked off my face and fell to the crowded dance floor. Being drunk with Steve Hughes is fun because he is my hero for saving my glasses and for being the kick ass comedian that he is
  582. Leaving your mark
  583. The Elvis of Hong Kong
  584. John Moorehead
  585. Commie pimp shit
  586. Paris Hilton eating all of my breakfast sausages
  587. The street in Beijing where they sell fried scorpion on a stick
  588. The Forbidden city in Beijing
  589. That there is a Starbuck’s in the center of the Forbidden city in Beijing. When I saw it my first reaction was in disgust, ‘Fucking corporate American greed with it’s tentacles all over the world.’ My second reaction was, ‘Jesus it’s freezing, I’d love a cup of coffee.’
  590. That the people in the streets of Beijing are so eager to learn English they will just come up to you and try to engage you in a conversation. “Hello, how are you today? We are having lovely weather don’t you think?”
  591. Going to the Hard Rock Cafe in Shanghai because I was sick of eating Chinese food and getting a Southern style pork sandwich. On the wall next to where I ate it was a karate uniform that had been owned and used by Elvis. It was pristine white except that on the sleeves looked like what appeared to ketchup stains. As I munched on my pork sandwich I thought that that must have been Elvis’ hamburger eating karate uniform
  592. Going to and seeing the great wall of China and running on top of it waving my hands to the sky just in case any astronauts could see me
  593. Sydney, Australia
  594. The Comedy Store in Sydney, Australia
  595. Marianne Esho yelling “Encore!” The night I filmed my DVD at the Comedy Store and meeting her afterwards to discover that underneath her glasses she was truly a super hero in disguise
  596. Referring to Sydney as Findingnemoville
  597. Climbing to the top of the Sydney harbor bridge
  598. Going to Michael Hutchence’s grave with Bruce Griffiths
  599. Swimming in Double bay every day with Chris Wainhouse
  600. Watching CSI with Paul Brasch
  601. Doing mushrooms with Paul Brasch at the waters edge on Sydney harbor
  602. Flavor of India (My favorite restaurant in Sydney and where Michael Hutchence had his last meal)
  603. Global burgers
  604. Elvis pizza
  605. Meat pies
  606. Sea cars
  607. Seeing a cricket match with Chris Leach
  608. Manly surf school 099776977
  609. Learning that Rice Crispies are called Rice Bubbles in Australia
  610. Australian money. You can’t tear it and all of the bills have little windows on them so that you can see if anyone is sneaking up on you while you count your money
  611. The Koala teddy bear I had as a boy
  612. The reaction that Koalas get from eating eucalyptus leaves
  613. The Sydney zoo
  614. Jogging to the Sydney opera house every day and running up the steps like Rocky
  615. The Melbourne comedy festival
  616. The Medina hotel in Melbourne
  617. Australian rules football
  618. The Melbourne Demons
  619. Killing on Rove Live
  620. Honolulu, Hawaii
  621. Knowing that Hawaii is the answer
  622. Hawaiian music
  623. Brother Iz. Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
  624. Poke
  625. Pineapples
  626. Ukalalees
  627. Hawaiian quilts
  628. The mixed race Polynesian lovelies of Honolulu
  629. Hot Japanese surfer girls headed to the beach with surf boards under their arms at Waikiki beach
  630. Waikiki beach
  631. Midnight surfing with Melissa Mapes by moonlight at Waikiki beach
  632. The life experience of Melissa Mapes
  633. The life that Bobby Rabina carved out for himself on Oahu
  634. The Aloha stadium swap meet
  635. Listening to Hawaiian music in L.A. traffic
  636. San Diego, CA
  637. Magpie. My 60 year old hippy artist dreamer guru in Encinitas, CA with a beautiful spirit and a loud laugh
  638. Learning to make honeywine from my friend Magpie
  639. Honeywine. Honeywine is the rocket ship to happyland
  640. Seeing the padres with Magpie
  641. The Padres blasting AC-DC’s ‘Hells bells’ when they brought out their strongest closer Trevor Hoffman
  642. Baseball. There is so much gentle beauty and human drama in the game of baseball. Baseball is like life, it is slow and boring punctuated with lively bursts of action. Baseball makes me happy because it is O.K. to throw trash on the ground at games and also because it is O.K. for fat old men to wear the uniforms of little boys.
  643. The Montreal Expos becoming the Washington Nationals
  644. Meeting real Eskimo people
  645. El Paso, Texas
  646. Isela Avila
  647. Drinking cold white wine with Isela Avila in a shady cantina in a hot tiny New Mexico village
  648. Malvasia Bianca
  649. Mesilla, New Mexico
  650. Sliced cucumber with lime juice and salt
  651. The club owner’s son (Evan) in El Paso telling me that I am a swarthy European wannabe
  652. The seriousness of the Mexican flag
  653. Austin, Texas
  654. The Austin motel
  655. The Continental club in Austin, TX
  656. Seeing Toni Price at the Continental club
  657. Laughing it up with Howard Beecher at the Continental club
  658. Seeing Jodie Adaire at Jonita’s
  659. Jodie Adaire telling me “The truth makes me wet”
  660. The Pixies on Austin city limits
  661. Tom and Tom. My 2 favorite gay friends in Austin who just happen to both possess my favorite name. I refer to them as Double Tom, when we all hang out it is a Triple Tom threat.
  662. Atlanta, Georgia
  663. The Atlanta Punchline
  664. Dale Murphy’s mole
  665. Kathe Nelson’s lioness ways
  666. cafe 290
  667. Coca-Cola
  668. Chic-fil-a sandwiches
  669. Amanda Douglas
  670. Lexington, Kentucky
  671. The empire that Jeff Gilstrap built in Lexington, KY
  672. The Kentucky Wildcats
  673. Ashley Judd
  674. The Kentucky leaf report I was performing in Lexington in Autumn and did a radio program where on air they gave a Kentucky leaf report, telling the listeners in what part of the state they would find the prettiest colors of leaves on the trees
  675. Woodford Reserve
  676. When the whiskey melts the ice
  677. Cassius Clay throwing his Olympic gold medal into the Ohio river
  678. Colonel Sanders
  679. Colonel Sanders’ grave (A get place to enjoy a bucket of chicken and wipe your greasy fingers off on his tombstone after you have flicked your chicken bones on his grave like a hillbilly) Eleven herbs and spices, that Colonel knew what he was doing. 12 spices would have been too many and 10 not enough.
  680. Mike Nilsson
  681. Louisville Sluggers
  682. John Hope’s amiability
  683. Derrick and the Fuck Monkeys (The greatest bar band of all time)
  684. Minneapolis, Minnesota
  685. Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis
  686. Tom Waits’ ‘9th and Hennepin’ “And all of the doughnuts had names that sounded like prostitutes”
  687. Louis Lee
  688. Colleen Kruse
  689. Charles Ezelle
  690. Knowing that cussing ain’t Minnesota nice
  691. Prince (Rogers Nelson)
  692. Knowing that the reason Prince wears so much purple is because he is a huge Vikings fan
  693. The time I was invited to Paisley Park and got to see Prince Jam until 4am
  694. Knowing that Prince’s little ass is so cute that if I were ever on an elevator with him I would grab both of his little ass cheeks with both of my hands and I would not let go until we got to his floor.
  695. Alan Page
  696. Seattle, Washington
  697. Cathy Sorbo
  698. Paul Clark
  699. Nova Clark
  700. Seeing the Mariners with Cathy, Paul and Nova
  701. Icharo Suzuki
  702. Pike’s Market Place
  703. Red Hook beer
  704. Bellingham, Washington
  705. Driving from Seattle to Montana for Rich Hall’s wedding
  706. Rich Hall’s wedding Rich married the loveliest English girl named Karen and a lot of her friends and family had come over from England, the theme of the wedding was Western and you should have seen how happy these English people were to dress up boots and cowboy hats. Everyone was as happy as children in the soft summer air dancing and drinking at the reception under a colossal mountain backdrop. Knowing Rich Hall has improved my life in every way.
  707. Livingston, Montana
  708. Missoula, Montana
  709. Seeing Pearl Jam in Missoula at the University of Montana
  710. Lettuce heads
  711. Vancouver
  712. Toronto
  713. Toronto Yuk-Yuks
  714. June Kuniyoshi
  715. Seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs beating the Boston Bruins in a shoot out
  716. Calling the Toronto Maple Leafs “The Leafies”
  717. Calling Canadian people “The leafy people”
  718. Mike Wilmot
  719. Montreal
  720. The Montreal Comedy Festival (Just for laughs)
  721. Bruce Hills
  722. Kissing at the top of Mount Royale on a warm July evening (I only ever did it once and it made me very happy, thanks Fafi!)
  723. Club Soda during the Just for laughs festival
  724. Montreal’s annual fireworks festival
  725. The Washington D.C. Improv
  726. Visiting my Uncle John Miller
  727. My Aunt Mary
  728. Rich Leiby
  729. The Washington Post
  730. Sonya Medina
  731. Sonya Medina giving me a tour of the White House
  732. XM Radio
  733. 98 Rock in Baltimore
  734. Kirk McEwin laughing
  735. Meeting Tony Atlas at 98 Rock. Tony Atlas is a pro-wrestler I saw when I was a boy. He would always be getting his ass kicked then his leg would start to shake and he would start to dance like Jomes Brown and then he would ultimately come back and win the fight. When I met him Tony told me that Pro wrestling was a reflection of society and now everyone wants to be a bad guy because there are no good guys left.
  736. Mickey from 98 Rock in Baltimore telling me that he got a hooker in Iceland just so that he could talk politics with her
  737. No Baltimore No Baltiless
  738. Justin Schleagel
  739. Nicole Brooke Schwartz
  740. Helium in Philadelphia
  741. Ben Maher
  742. The Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey
  743. That Vinnie Brand is an open minded conservative
  744. Sirius satellite radio
  745. Doing Jim Bruer’s Sirius radio program
  746. Doing the Bob and Tom show in Indianapolis
  747. The Orlando Improv
  748. The Hollywood, Florida Improv
  749. Going to church with Robert Hawkins and his Mom
  750. The Seminole Hard Rock Casino hotel pool They have speakers underwater so that you can still hear the music while submerged. My favorite came on and I almost drowned.
  751. Writer’s meetings with Lisa Carrao
  752. McCurdy’s comedy theatre in Sarasota, Florida
  753. Visiting with my Uncle Bob
  754. That first sip of Zamboka
  755. The Sheperds
  756. Lou Angelwolf
  757. Kevin Rogers
  758. Bobby Taylor
  759. My brother Dave’s wedding 2005
  760. 7-11
  761. Florida housing development names Eagle’s landing, Willow grove, Shady Pines… I think whatever they had to bulldoze over to make it is what they named it
  762. Destin, Florida
  763. New Smyrna Beach, Florida
  764. Janine’s lake on the 4th of July
  765. Going to Fleaworld in Sanford, FL and seeing redneck Asians
  766. Going to thrift stores with my Mom
  767. Publix supermarkets of Florida In the fresh vegetable section every 15 minutes the sound of lightning comes over the speakers and then the mist rains down fresh water on the vegetables. That is what is great about America, silliness with a purpose!
  768. Christamas in Florida Arriving in Orlando for Christmas and seeing out my window of the plane that all of the ground crew workers on the tarmac were wearing shorts. Shorts, flip-flops and frozen yogurt. That’s Christmas to me baby!
  769. My Mom teaching me how to make soup
  770. My Mom’s paintings
  771. My Mom’s prayers
  772. Walking around Lake Charm in Oviedo with my Mom There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be solved with a walk around Lake Charm in Oviedo, Florida
  773. Moving to Los Angeles and the moving van perfectly breaking down in front of my new apartment
  774. Becoming a real California weirdo
  775. Cross culture pollination
  776. The Hollywood Bowl
  777. The L.A. farmer’s market
  778. Lunches with Timmie in Thaitown
  779. Korea town
  780. Knowing that Korea town isn’t just a neighborhood, it’s failed foreign policy
  781. Hitting wiffle balls on the roof of the Brown Derby Plaza just outside my apartment window
  782. Rhodes Beach
  783. Wilshire boulevard
  784. The HMS Bounty
  785. Roxana of Chiapas, Mexico
  786. The Prince on Catalina (My favorite bar in L.A.)
  787. Knowing that Bank of America in Koreatown is the friendliest bank on the planet
  788. Blueberry and pomegranate smoothies
  789. Forgiving Helie
  790. Mark Brazil
  791. Steve Ochs
  792. Anya Marina
  793. Dana Gibson
  794. Laila Villalobos
  795. Amy Crossfield
  796. Referring to L.A. as the land of perfect teeth and big titties
  797. Killing at Largo
  798. Seeing Greg Proops killing at Largo
  799. Bumming a cigarette from Sandra Oh
  800. Bucky Sinister
  801. Bucky Sinister’s ‘Whiskey and Robots’
  802. Seeing the Slackmob at Jumbo’s clown room
  803. Seeing Ben Harper at Ameba music in Hollywood
  804. Seeing the Giants thump the Dodgers with my Dad
  805. My Dad’s handicapped seating scam that works every time
  806. Tom Russell’s ‘Hotwalker’
  807. Howard Meehan
  808. Rick Overton
  809. Paul Provenza
  810. Bob Fisher
  811. The Ice House in Pasadena, California
  812. The Fryer’s club of Beverly Hills
  813. Horseback riding with Sam and Stella in the Hollywood Hills near the Hollywood sign. Yes there is a place to rent horses at the top of the Hollywood Hills and you can ride underneath the Hollywood sign. It is only 20 dollars an hour and I recommend it to anyone who is visiting Los Angeles
  814. The Levi’s headquarters store in San Francisco
  815. The Filmore auditorium in San Francisco
  816. Seeing the Black Crowes at Hammerstein ballroom in New York City March 25-27, 2005 (Good Friday to Easter) “Kiss me baby on Easter Sunday, make my haze go away”
  817. Seeing the Black Crowes at the Filmore in San Francisco August 5-7, 2005
  818. Seeing Chris and Rich Robinson play acoustic at the Cafe Du Nord 2006
  819. The first ever High Times Comedy Festival
  820. The benefit I did for the Sacramento Sheriff’s department
  821. Shawn and Jeff
  822. Mill Valley, California
  823. The Throckmorton theatre in Mill Valley because Charlie Chaplin played there once in his vaudeville days
  824. Lucy who owns the Throckmorton
  825. Staying at the Mill Valley Inn room 18
  826. Three sevens
  827. Playing at the Tempe, Arizona Improv with Artie Lange
  828. Jack Boulware’s smart camp
  829. litquake.com
  830. Opening for Dave Chappelle at the San Francisco Punchline
  831. Meeting Tom Waits
  832. The Triton hotel in San Francisco room 308
  833. Motorcycle Mike of Buffalo, New York
  834. J.J. of Rochester, New York
  835. How well they treat you at the Comix Cafe in Rochester, NY
  836. How much Tammy Amico loves the Cincinnati Reds
  837. Great Britain. Magnificent Britain. Impervious Britain
  838. Post Colonial Guilt
  839. Jon Keyes
  840. Any time I am returning to Holland
  841. Zwarte Pete
  842. Alloochtons
  843. Killing on Raymann is Laat
  844. Marcel Haug
  845. Alex Bordewijk
  846. Michael Veling
  847. 420cafe.com
  848. Watching Ireen Wust beat Maki Tabata for the gold medal in women’s speed skating
  849. E-Life
  850. The Rozen theatre in Amsterdam
  851. Rotterdam
  852. Peter Klashorst
  853. The spiritual transformation of the red light district
  854. Love ins at the Amsterdam Hilton
  855. Thys & Katje
  856. Discovering Fenkle
  857. The Albert Cuyp market
  858. Burgermeisters
  859. Grolsch beer
  860. Grolsch’s ceramic bottle top roach smokers
  861. The Dutch birthday song
  862. Dutch government money
  863. Flying first class on KLM because my friend Klaas hooked me up
  864. Dinner with Klaas and Veronica
  865. Knowing that Utrecht police eat a dick up This was some graffiti I read on the train passing through Utrecth “Utrecth police eat a dick up”
  866. Delores’ red snapper sandwich’s on toasted brown bread NWE Zyds v. Burgwal t/o 289 1012 RL Amsterdam
  867. Cyrille Carreon
  868. Vian Ramadan
  869. Gerke Nauta
  870. Jason Tagar
  871. Monica Galer
  872. Meeting Njeri Mbugua in Oklahoma City
  873. Tom Njeri
  874. Tom and Jerry
  875. New Year’s Eve with Njeri in Philadelphia
  876. Blurple
  877. Kenyan goat stew
  878. December 12th. Kenyan Independence day
  879. Dreaming of Mombasa
  880. The Gerald Ford presidential library in Grand Rapids, Michigan
  881. First Mama Betty Ford
  882. Shelly in Glasgow, Scotland telling me that “My Dad is my bible.”
  883. Theatre shows for intelligent people
  884. Curtain calls
  885. Friesien names
  886. Neils van Brakel
  887. Universal themes of love, loss and loneliness
  888. Breaking through the clouds on an airplane and breaking free into the dazzling sunshine
  889. Belfast
  890. Georgie Best
  891. Dublin, Ireland
  892. Brian Cronly
  893. Peter O’Mahoney
  894. The Laughter Lounge in Dublin, Ireland
  895. Exercising my demons
  896. Uvulas
  897. Blunderbus’
  898. Mercy’s sweet moan
  899. Traveling merrymakers
  900. Doers
  901. Holding hands at the movies
  902. Eating Ringo first
  903. Tommunism
  904. Pleasure seekers
  905. Honeywine slurpees
  906. Truthful sensitive intelligence
  907. Magnetic soul alliances
  908. Radiating your divinity
  909. The sacred feminine
  910. The sacred fool
  911. Knowing that I am eternal
  912. Knowing that the yo-yo is the new guitar
  913. Knowing that cold blooded animals do not have dreams
  914. Knowing that God looks out for comedians and retards
  915. Knowing that life is about the protection of innocence
  916. Knowing that Jesus, Elvis, Gandhi, Muhammad Ali and Martin Luther King Jr. were all Capricorns
  917. Blue Capricorns
  918. The new lost city ramblers
  919. The Mount Kenya safari club
  920. Big Bone Lick, Kentucky
  921. christianroth.com
  922. The cartoon riots
  923. Knowing that Catholic guilt intensifies the pleasure
  924. Knowing that Jesus was probably a down right rib tickle
  925. Rabbit fur underwear
  926. Rabbit fur lined gloves
  927. Zoetermeer- Sweet leg city
  928. Loving Adam Curry for the pimp ass hustler that he is
  929. Knowing that the women are praying for a better crop than we had last year
  930. Knowing that love sees no color
  931. Knowing that love is a poor man’s food
  932. The blurring qualities of drink
  933. Shitting in all four corners
  934. The word kerfuffle
  935. Knobgobblers
  936. Manpleasers
  937. Cock washers
  938. Subcommandantes
  939. My Mom’s black bean and pork soup
  940. My Mom’s Banana bread
  941. Brazil’s sugar cane ethanol
  942. Morning becomes eclectic on KCRW in L.A.
  943. Steve Jones on 103.1 FM everyday from 12pm-3pm in L.A.
  944. Steve Jones for Huntington Beach Toyota
  945. Steve Jones interviewing Ray Winston
  946. True human beings
  947. Apricot scrubs
  948. Feeling ultraviolet
  949. Spitting hot fire
  950. Fozzy bear
  951. The Muppets
  952. Knowing that at Jim Henson’s funeral he requested that everyone could wear whatever color they wanted as long as that color was not black
  953. New Joke Playland
  954. Ukiah, California
  955. Grant Sheperd’s paradise
  956. My Mendocino getaway
  957. The Ukiah brewing company
  958. The Freys
  959. Quintanaroo, Mexico
  960. Being in Mexico with 98 Rock from Baltimore
  961. Being on a bed swing with Nicole Schwartz in Mexico with a Caribbean breeze
  962. Going to a Mexican Wal-mart with Stash
  963. That Mexican television is all midgets and cleavage
  964. Knowing that the rising tide lifts all ships
  965. Knowing that Johnny Steele thinks that keeping a happiness list is a stupid idea
  966. Building monuments
  967. Mega structures
  968. The Diego Rivera museum in Guanajuato, Mexico
  969. The king of Jordan’s wife
  970. Black beard the pirate
  971. Being drunk with beauty
  972. Slugging it out in Palookaville
  973. Finding money in old pockets
  974. My empire of 20 dollar purchases
  975. Being among the buttercups
  976. Low riders of Southern California
  977. Fringedwellers
  978. The story of my baldness
  979. Not being dead
  980. Pele
  981. Diego Maradonna
  982. Fish tacos
  983. Much kissing in automobiles
  984. Charles Bukowski waiting for something literary or symphonic to happen
  985. My Charles Bukowski autographed book of poems
  986. My autographed photo of Ted Williams
  987. My autographed concert poster of Johnny Cash from when I saw him and met him in 1994
  988. Robin Hood entering a tavern and yelling “Mutton and ale for all my men!”
  989. Errol Flynn’s autobiography “My wicked, wicked ways”
  990. Errol Flynn film festivals on TMC
  991. Making peace with your dark side
  992. Treacle cutters
  993. The word twaddle
  994. Leaving on a jetplane
  995. Eating KFC on crowded oversold airplanes
  996. Knowing that there are no rules for the creative act
  997. Sitting Bull climbing a hilltop to receive a vision
  998. Dave Mathews making it cool to be a pudgy white guy
  999. Promising local bands
  1000. Opening for the Everly Brothers
  1001. Opening for Ray Charles
  1002. Opening for James Brown
  1003. Knowing that racism is sexual jealousy
  1004. Knowing that racism is a deal breaker
  1005. Knowing that God is back to fake cosmic orgasms
  1006. Knowing that women are the way forward
  1007. Understanding infinity
  1008. The importance of understanding your parents
  1009. Seeing an ex-girlfriend with her new child and being happy that it isn’t mine
  1010. Paul Westerberg
  1011. Meeting Hedberg’s parents
  1012. Keeping the tears off of my Mother’s cheeks
  1013. Tom Waits pulling on troubles braids
  1014. Pablo Neruda
  1015. India’s wealth of knowledge
  1016. California hippy names
  1017. Keeping my juices to myself
  1018. Reverse stalking
  1019. George Jones
  1020. Sacramento’s skateboarders for Jesus steelroots.com
  1021. Knowing that all the bitches loved Jesus
  1022. Break out moments in the Caribbean What happens to every British rock band after the get some success and go to the Caribbean, it’s magic! For the best example of this listen to the Clash double album ‘Sandinista’.
  1023. The guitar restraint that Keith Richards shows on ‘Sympathy for the devil’
  1024. Uncut the British rock magazine and their monthly sampler CD of that months best music
  1025. Johnny Depp
  1026. Pirates of the Caribbean (The movie and the Disney theme park ride)
  1027. What’s eating Gilbert Grape
  1028. True Romance
  1029. The Babe Ruth birthplace and museum
  1030. The Isotopes
  1031. Family guy
  1032. The smartness of Border Collies
  1033. Muriel’s Wedding
  1034. Wedding Crashers
  1035. The Evel Knievel doll I had as a boy
  1036. The Elvis Presley doll I have as an adult
  1037. My Vinyl record collection
  1038. Rock Star INXS
  1039. J.D. Fortune’s pants
  1040. April 18th National wear your pajamas to work day
  1041. Tennessee tuxedos
  1042. Rubber chickens
  1043. Yosemite Sam
  1044. Foghorn Leghorn
  1045. Zantepe (Socrates’ wife)
  1046. Super hero rings
  1047. Dancing with no regard to rhythm
  1048. The homeless guy on Kenmore street in L.A. who told me after I gave him money “May you find all the peace you need”
  1049. Glow in the dark under arm deodorant
  1050. The Hindu concept of reincarnation and how you should look at the world in that at one time every on the earth was once your Mother
  1051. The article I read about a study that found that men who kiss their wives goodbye before going to work live longer, get into fewer accidents and have a higher income than men who don’t
  1052. That a recent study by auto insurance companies said that the records reflect that Gemini’s are the worst drivers and that Capricorns are the best drivers
  1053. The Henry Ford museum in Detroit
  1054. The Clyde Barrow of Bonnie and Clyde’s letter to Henry Ford in 1934 that is on display at the Henry Ford museum in Detroit: “Mr. Ford- For sustained speed and freedom from trouble when we steal a car we only steal a Ford. The 1934 V8 is a dandy. I didn’t think it would hurt nothing to tell you what a dandy car you make.”
  1055. Taxi cab driver genius’
  1056. The beautiful soul of the Iranian taxi driver I had in Toronto who told me “People misuse religion because they do not understand nature. Everyone wants to make money so they brain wash the people. We are all one. There is no other truth.”
  1057. My darling Beertje van Beers giving me ‘Open to desire’ by Mark Epstein
  1058. ‘Open to desire’ by Mark Epstein
  1059. Finding an old pack of Zig Zag rolling paper with these words written in my own handwriting under the flap “The gift of pure knowledge is the future”
  1060. Knowing that you should run zig zag if you are ever being chased by a crocodile because they can only run fast in a straight line
  1061. Royal Enfield motorcycles
  1062. Romanian love letters
  1063. Triple word scores in Scrabble
  1064. K-mart Brandos
  1065. Woody Woodpecker
  1066. Mighty Mouse
  1067. Miles Davis
  1068. John Dillinger
  1069. Pretty Boy Floyd
  1070. Machine Gun Kelly
  1071. Tom Rhodes of Dallas, Texas
  1072. Tom Rhodes of Raleigh, North Carolina
  1073. tomrhodes.net
  1074. Stand-up records and Dan Schlissel
  1075. The Madonna Inn of San Louis Obispo, California
  1076. Hotel stationary
  1077. In & Out burger of Southern California
  1078. India spiced Chai
  1079. The Columbia restaurant of Ybor City, Florida
  1080. The Columbia restaurant Spanish cookbook
  1081. Soup recipes
  1082. My Jimi Hendrix grave rubbing that I have framed and hanging in my kitchen
  1083. My low carb last super joke
  1084. My camera phone joke
  1085. My panther prowl
  1086. Free drinks
  1087. Apple juice
  1088. Apple juice and vodka
  1089. Elaine Stritch
  1090. Jill Acuna’s amatuer photography
  1091. Tamara Mooney
  1092. The Smurfs
  1093. Chinatown in San Francisco
  1094. Seeing a hat trick at a hockey game and wondering if the player gets to keep all the hats
  1095. The Yankees and Red Sox rivalry
  1096. The Dodgers and Giants Rivalry
  1097. Johnny Damon
  1098. The Yankee code of having short hair and no facial hair
  1099. Jimmy Childers and the funniest thing I ever saw at the Oviedo little league
  1100. The World baseball classic
  1101. Jimmy Neutron
  1102. Having one foot in irony and one foot in pathos
  1103. Mr. Smartie pants getting his dick slapped
  1104. Pierre Woodman’s Private casting videos “O.K., now can you show me poopoo?”
  1105. Sunset on Galway Bay in Ireland
  1106. Galway, Ireland
  1107. Roisin Dubh, Galway, Ireland
  1108. Quay street, Galway, Ireland
  1109. McDonagh’s Fish Shop on Quay Street in Galway I go to this place religiously every time I am in Galway. They serve fish that is better than cocaine. You will find yourself rubbing what fish residue you have left on your gums once you have cleaned your plate.
  1110. Paddy McPoland
  1111. Leaving tickets at the door for Bono every night whenever I perform in Dublin – just in case he might show up
  1112. Van Morrison’s ‘No Guru, No Teacher, No Method’
  1113. Tir Na Nog
  1114. Harp Lager
  1115. Thin Lizzy
  1116. The Ha’ penny bridge in Dublin, Ireland
  1117. Authentic Irish food served by authentic Polish people
  1118. Seeing Mike McSavage perform on the streets of Dublin
  1119. dublinpubcrawl.com (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
  1120. Johnnie Foxe’s pub (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
  1121. Belgian frites with mayonnaise (Dutchie style)
  1122. Going Dutch
  1123. The Rembrandt house in Amsterdam
  1124. Actually meeting a guy named Rembrandt the last time I was in Amsterdam
  1125. Rembrandt’s ‘Bathsheba being washed for David’
  1126. The 1646 inventory of Rembrandt’s house
  1127. Lekker Zonnetje – Tasty little sun
  1128. Ziels Gelukkig – Soul happy
  1129. He laas pindakaas – It’s a pity, peanut butter
  1130. Ajax – The Amsterdam football club
  1131. Ajax – Telamonian Ajax, a Greek hero in the Trojan war who rescued the body of Achilles and killed himself out of jealousy when Odyssus was awarded the armor of Achilles
  1132. Knowing that if I was the President of the United States I would honor the Patriotic gay couples who moved into bad neighborhoods and turned them into profitable real estate markets
  1133. The dog shit motorcycles of Paris In Paris I saw the coolest city vehicle, a motorcycle with a huge vacuum attachment on the back and the driver sucked up dogshit off the sidewalk with a long suction tube. What a job. Driving around Paris on a motorcycle sucking dog shit into a big pouch. I wonder if that guy loves his job and feels like a superhero “I am sorry my darling I cannot make love to you one more time, there is dog shit out there waiting for my rescue.”
  1134. Jim Morrison’s Boy scout uniform
  1135. Twisted tales of sex, drugs and Hollywood greed
  1136. Pulling your cock out with authority
  1137. Knowing that Elvis was never circumcised
  1138. Friends with benefits
  1139. Canadian true patriot love
  1140. Sweet pink pork meat
  1141. Blind Tiger – Shreveport, Louisiana
  1142. Noble Savage – Shreveport, Louisiana
  1143. Rachel’s Funnybone – Shreveport, Louisiana
  1144. Creole and Cajun style of cooking
  1145. Alacrity
  1146. Altruism
  1147. Transcendental filth
  1148. The land of E plurabis unam
  1149. How quickly in the world everyone needed a plasma screen TV
  1150. That the answer to everything is always write more jokes
  1151. Standing flat footed in America and telling it like it is
  1152. Learning to breathe again
  1153. 25 cent wing night
  1154. Kentucky fried HA HA
  1155. LSU cheerleaders
  1156. Bona fide hustlers
  1157. kinkyfriedman.com
  1158. Born again strippers
  1159. Avoiding hard labor
  1160. Big dick rock & roll
  1161. My 20 year high school reunion Yes I’m that old. I thought I would hate my HS reunion but I loved it. I wish they would have on every year. I have never felt better about myself. I felt like Brad Pitt. I have held up pretty good compared to some of the guys I thought were the biggest studs at our school growing up. Apparently there comes a time when a lot of people just say “Fuck it, I’m eating! Give me everything I can shovel into my mouth. Actually there were loads of beautiful people there because I went to school with many beautiful people. All jokes aside I grew up with fun good hearted people and I love them all. I was very happy to see one of my sweetest high school loves was the best looking girl there. Even with a few kids and running her own business she was still smoking and had she not been married I would have tried to take her back to the golf course where we used to roll around kissing as teens
  1162. The essence of Ohm The eternal vibration of everything
  1163. My beautiful Hindu tailors who are also brothers Rocky and Philip for being able to hand stitch the Hindu symbol of Ohm on the backs of my suits since I was inspired by George Harrison’s suit he wore for the people of Bangaladesh concert in 1972
  1164. George Harrison He is definately the Beatle I would eat last if I were stranded in the Andes after a plane crash and I had to eat all of the Beatles (In their prime) to survive
  1165. Healing and teaching peace
  1166. The ancient mystic trinity
  1167. Miracles reflecting the laws of eternity not of time
  1168. Bright miracles shining
  1169. Knowing that entertainment is America’s greatest export to the world
  1170. Knowing that every flower was once a weed
  1171. Getting to the heart of the center
  1172. Knowing that the internet has only widened my confusion
  1173. Knowing that the art we make is all that we leave behind
  1174. Knowing that women are the highest form of art on the planet
  1175. Knowing that all you need is deep within you waiting to reveal itself
  1176. Never tiring of California
  1177. Cheerful treason
  1178. Petting your friend’s like animals. Why can’t you pet your friends like you do animals? I have many friends and sometimes it is a very long time until I see them and when I do I just want to pet them like animals.
  1179. The doe’s scent
  1180. Cantaloupes
  1181. Fish and steamed vegetables
  1182. Calling people handsome
  1183. Calling people cowboy
  1184. Calling people kingpin
  1185. The secret life of vampires
  1186. Practicing sperm management
  1187. Lower intestinal fortitude
  1188. Hot Pockets!
  1189. Cultivating your garden *The Voltaire way
  1190. Voltaire’s ‘Candide’
  1191. Finally giving up on Gary Smithson and realizing you can’t turn an edit boy into a filmmaker
  1192. Twan van de Nuiewehuisen working for the Eurovision song contest
  1193. Phoning a previous life Knowing that if I was ever on “Who wants to be a millionaire?” in India and I didn’t know the answer to a question I wouldn’t ask if I could phone a friend, I would ask if I could phone a previous life.
  1194. Killing on Raymann is Laat
  1195. Being crazy with World cup fever
  1196. El Salvador invading Honduras over a World Cup match outcome
  1197. Argentinean footwork
  1198. Mate de Coca
  1199. The Tango
  1200. Knowing that all I really need is a good woman, a guitar and a fishing pole
  1201. The guidebook to Argentina
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Apr 10
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