Sometime during the summer of 2001 I decided to keep a list of everything that made me happy to remind me of the multitude of joyous sensations there are to be found upon this earth according to me. Considering now the events of September 11th, 2001 & the aftermath that has caused & continues to cause the blood, gloom & lack of mercy dominating our human condition perhaps it is time that we all kept a list of the things in life that make us happy & that we are thankful for. So in the spirit of chasing some of the dark clouds away I present to you my very own personal reminder of why life doesn’t always suck which is my list of everything that makes me happy…
- Kissing & good kissers, kissing is everything
- Being onstage feeling the waves of laughter wash over me & it’s purifying qualities
- Writing funny new material
- Gentle forehead kisses
- Nipples like pencil erasers
- Bill Murray
- Orange juice
- Palm trees dancing in gentle breezes
- Ice cream trucks
- Being on television
- Touching people’s lives for the better anyway you freely can
- Hot steamy showers on ice cold days
- Bacon & egg sandwiches, anywhere, anytime
- Skinny dipping
- Inside jokes among comedians
- Most dogs
- When my woman pops the zits on my back
- Blueberry frosted pop-tarts hot from the toaster
- Really good pens with easy flowing ink
- My endless art projects & endless ideas of creation
- Travelling to far away places & getting to know them
- Having friends in cities wherever I go
- Brand new fluffy cotton socks
- Spending New Year’s Eve with my Dad
- That Muhammad Ali is a Capricorn
- Being 35 & still splashing through puddles on rainy days
- Doing laundry & the fresh warm goodness at the end of completing the task
- The relationship between the Pyramids & the Stars
- Letting the crazy guy on the street know you are just as crazy as him only with your eyes
- Feeding birds in the park bread & appreciating how amazingly quick more of them gather
- Tree lined boulevards
- The playful laughter of care free children
- Freeloading off of my sister
- Irritating my brother & being the leftist commie of the family
- Skinny brown women with no tits
- The gravitational pull of temptation
- Streamlining down an uphill sidewalk with a big city stride
- Admiring the shapely ass of a stranger while riding public transportation
- Black coffee & the internet
- Seeing Catholic girls who have gone bad
- Strange sound effects made by funny children that you can’t keep from laughing because of
- Steve McQueen
- Happening upon “Pappion” – my favorite Steve McQueen movie just as it was beginning on a Saturday afternoon when I didn’t have a single thing planned for the day
- Motorcycles with sidecars
- That people are still paying money to see Tom Rhodes
- Leaving a relationship confident that I’ll be loved again
- The book of Psalms
- Badminton
- Sitting on my Mom’s back porch waiting for the rain to come dance on the roof as I sit with my electric typewriter plugged in ready to capture it all
- Going barefoot for as long as I possibly can in summer
- Refreshing plunges in the pool on hot Florida days
- Cut off shorts & the smell of chlorine on a woman
- Ice cold milk with fresh baked cookies
- Getting my hair cut by a pregnant woman
- Banana moon pies
- Bubbalou’s bodacious Bar-B-Q of Orlando, Florida
- Hanging out with my best friend Lou
- People who give without taking
- People who love their careers & no desire to be famous whatsoever
- People who have been burnt but who are not bitter & still see the joy in life
- How happy a simple balloon can make a little child
- Finally getting over your high school flame(s)
- Halibut fish tacos
- Isaac Babel
- Balsa wood aeroplanes
- Pirate flags
- Black panther fist salutes
- Hindu wedding parties
- Gay European techno music
- Henry Miller
- Oviedo, Florida
- Wilmington, North Carolina
- Washington D.C.
- 82 channels of mindless American television
- Everything Mexican, Mexican people, Mexican heritage, Mexican food, Mexican music & the country of Mexico itself the next great world power
- My undying faith in the underdog & believing in the furthest reachable dreams
- The grief & agony in the melodic moans of the late great Hank Williams
- How hard I can rock the Sacramento mini-mall comedy club
- Rumors & legends I’ve heard about myself told to me by others that aren’t even close to being true & the ones that are
- When someone comes into my life & we experience private moments of truthful communication that impacts me profoundly & I don’t realize how special that moment & or the person was until long after the fact
- My Dad’s love & pride for me & how he lifts me up when I am down
- My first pair of cufflinks (A gift from my Dad)
- Knowing that I am living my dream
- Being freshly shaved
- Anthropology
- That on my 35th birthday I didn’t want anything because I felt like I already had everything I ever wanted
- The fact that I’ve bought 3 copies of Ryan Adams’ Gold because the 1st 2 got scratched on my favorite song
- Seeing people dance at the Virgin megastore while they shop
- The beauty & grace that all women possess that is their power over men
- The money & effort humans spend in pursuit of washboard abs
- Getting the biggest tub of popcorn at the movies
- Driving with the windows down to a special mix tape I’ve made
- Listening to Tom Petty & being proud because he is the patron saint of all Florida white trash
- Revolving doors
- Ping Pong
- Birthday cake
- My Bob Dylan fan club sheriff’s badge that my friend Jim Short gave to me
- My limited edition Stereophonics Zippo lighter
- Hotel mini-bars when I can afford them & the same goes for room service
- Asian food, especially Sushi
- Yo-Yos
- Laughing with strangers
- When existing relationships go even deeper
- The sound of birds singing in the trees
- Ice cold beverages, especially beer & coca-cola
- B.E.T. (Black Entertainment television)
- Seeing live concerts in San Francisco
- When a live night club band or DJ can bring out the animalistic self expressive hip pumps of being free
- Dancing until I am covered in sweat in a mass of people
- Watching the Leonid meteor shower from Blue Canyon, California
- The joyous spirit & happy songs to be found at Abundant Life Ministries church in Oakland, California & how easily that fuel can fill your tank to carry you down the road
- Going down Fulton street in San Francisco on a shopping cart & riding it the length between Scott & Steiner streets along Alamo square park late at night
- A slice of pepperoni from Golden Boy pizza in North Beach, San Francisco as you read subversive literature & wash it down with a coke
- Being beside the water & thoughtlessly watching boats cruise along atop the ripples
- Seeing a beautiful woman in the airport who ends up sitting next to you on the plane (Even if you barely speak).
- The thrill I still get from take off & the experience of breaking through the clouds on a wet, grey, overcast day & discovering the pure sunshine above & the blanket of clouds beneath your ascending plane that was the roof hanging over the bad day you have left behind
- Duty free shopping
- The Roxy theatre in the mission district of San Francisco
- Good time oldies stations of American radio
- The Empress of China restaurant in Chinatown, San Francisco 838 Grant Ave.
- The well dressed business woman in a business suit with a skirt on Sutter street who consciously made the decision after looking at me that she would flash me a free cookie shot as she stepped out of her Jaguar without panties on as I strode past & the smile she gave me after I realized what had just happened when I looked back at her as she paused on the sidewalk then quickly heading into a theatre where a show was about to begin without me ever loosing step or slowing down towards my destination
- The smell of Chinese rose soap on freshly washed skin
- The abundance of American supermarkets & the over the top experimental ones in Los Angeles where you can watch TV as you stand in line & get up to the minute baseball scores as well as seasonal vegetable tips of what is in season, it’s price & helpful ways suggesting how you could serve them
- Seeing war flicks with my Dad & watching shit blow up on the big screen
- Broccoli, Black eyed peas, collard greens & asparagus
- Deviled eggs
- Iranian caviar
- The Lavender mist spray I bought in Big Sur, California
- Paying it forward to Jah people
- Feeling someone’s heart beat against your chest when you hug them
- The vulnerability of Elizabeth Taylor
- Being as tanned as Paul Newman was in the movie “Hombre”
- The 5 mile stretch of road between Sunset & Ventura Boulevards on Laurel Canyon in Los Angeles
- Unexpectedly hearing a song that I love but had forgotten about on the radio
- Polishing off 5 Pacifico’s by myself in the wee hours of night
- Knowing that there is no wrong way to do anything
- Anti-white people/anti-power structure literature & other forms of expression about the same
- Unexpectedly witnessing compassion & personal acts of kindness
- How one life can touch so many others
- Knowing people who are going after their dreams no matter how ridiculous they may seem
- Inspired street performers
- Snorkeling along the Napoli coast, Kauai, Hawaii
- Being among the creations of Salvador Dali
- How my friends from Kenya who live in Houston honored me in the traditional Kenyan way by inviting me in their home for their special & tantalizingly delicious goat stew & invited all of their friends over to meet me & how we all took these good feelings to my show that night & hung out afterwards drinking, talking & sharing everything that makes us laugh or put more simply, my friend Jabone & his wife Lisa from Kenya make me happy & feel truly appreciated
- Playing Uno & Scrabble until all hours of the night with my dear brother Rich Hall in London & laughing wildly because he & his woman were cheating at these innocent games
- London after a light rain walking home over the slick & sexy cobblestones after I ripped the balls off of the Comedy Store thinking about how the audience cheered & called me back out onstage giving me my first ever no bullshit encore & how I blushed when I reemerged onstage & even better was the feeling later walking home by myself feeling the rare moment of actually being happy with myself.
- The view from the window of my favorite Chinese joint in London, 1979
- The loud laughter of drunken English people
- Looking out on Hong Kong harbor & or taking the star ferry across it
- Having the money to have some tailor made clothes done for myself while in Hong Kong & how wearing them makes me bring out the pimp shit
- Seeing Fat Boy Slim while in China & the odd fright I got among the cool youth of that nation as everyone tried to have a good time & forget the communist soldiers around the perimeters with machine guns in their hands
- Beijing, China & the good humor I found there among the people even from the poorest people among them
- The cheap ass Chairman Moa watch I bought in Beijing & how you have to thump him on the head to get it to work
- The amount of ass I kicked onstage in Hong Kong on the last night of my China tour
- The private villa I had to myself in Bali, Indonesia with my own private pool craddle within my own temple garden with a stereo system & a sky full of kites playing above in the gentle tropical breezes
- Still believing in my dreams & realizing when one from long ago comes true
- Living in Amsterdam
- Taking the Thalys train from Amsterdam to Paris & enjoying a cup of tea on the journey like a gentleman
- All of the sensations that come alive in me when I visit Paris & the tingles & titillations I get no matter how long or brief my stay there is
- Performing at The Hotel du Nord in Paris & time spent with one of the coolest humans I have ever known, my friend & impresario Karel Beer
- Being drunk & holding on tight on the back of Karel’s scooter as we motor through the Bastille area of Paris late at night
- Being presented cheese from Corsica, The Pyrannes & Normandy all on one plate by the mother of my first big love story ex-girlfriend & how much love her Mom still pours on me when I stay with her & still treats me like the prodigal son after all these years
- How I never seem to experience the shitty stereotyped situations you here about from people who visited Paris & didn’t like the place & how my friends there always help me discover something new each time I am there
- The Decadence of the Romans (& The painting of this name that hangs in the D’Orsey museum in Paris
- Walking west down Boulevard Voltaire with my best Pashmina scarf around my neck (made from the hair of goats chins) with the click, click, click of my closed umbrella hitting the sidewalk fulfilling my boyhood dreams of being an international big shot man of style rightfully sauntering like the peacock I once imagined I wanted to be
- Walking with an open umbrella, whether it is to block out the strong sun or to trot about a city underneath in the rain
- How on the train back to Amsterdam from Paris the announcements go from French to Dutch after it has reached Antwerp & the same snack car guy who was gentle & helpful with my feeble French is just as helpful with my feeble Dutch
- That I am trying to learn Dutch & how long & incredibly difficult some of their words are to pronounce
- Renting those little tourist boats you operate yourself & motoring aroung the canals of Amsterdam with the right person in the majestic golden sunlight of summer that is to be found there
- Whenever I see a windmill I am happy
- Bitterballen
- Old Dutch cheese on sunflower bread with a cold Heineken
- Lounging in the grass of Vondel park in Amsterdam drinking wine with friends on a sunny day
- Standing upright & peeing in the canals of Amsterdam like a true Dutchman the way it was taught to me by my Dutch friends
- Riding a bicycle home through the stillness of night & being calmed by the silence of such a great city as most of her citizens are asleep
- My friend Saunder’s bad ass punk band The Skidmarks & how they play for the fun & love of it & appear to have no trace of greedy intentions or a desire to conquer the world when they are busting out all kinds of whoopass crunch from the stage
- My friend Marcel Scheffer & his wonderfully innocent daughters with his loving wife that make up their loving home & how he has never failed to produce a new poem or song to share with me anytime I have ever seen him & how he is always concerned with me expressing my most tender self & by his example inspires me to
- My friend Gerke Nauta who knows where to find comedy gold & has the sweetest true ringing laugh when you have genuinely rung his bell of sensibilities, at 6’5″ he is the most gentle, fun loving leader without a trace of arrogance & somehow he has effortlessly hypnotized me into believing he is not my boss but my best friend & aside from his example of how to be a gentle thoughtful man I am at my happiest when we are creating comedy together
- That I once loved a bright young beautiful girl from a little town in the North of Holland & that it became a magnificent adventure & one of the greatest & truest love stories of my life & I am continually amazed at the fruit that is produced from all that we once were & had together. She taught me to have fun again & to see my own greatness & how to set free all the goodness I have inside & forget about everything other than enjoying the now & the sweet true laughs that only living in the present can bring which can only be taught by wonderfully unique & special souls from small nowhere towns who believe in the simple truest things that give life meaning 180 Being given my own late night talk show on Dutch television The previous 180 happy thoughts were posted June 2002 and I must say I never knew it would cause such a wide reaching reaction. Sweet messages from people who were inspired to start their own Happiness list, relatives and friends upset because they didn’t make the list, interviewers wanting to know why certain things were in certain order. This is just my goofy ass list of things that make me happy. I’ve spent so much of my life chasing after it I think I’m entitled to let it out as it flows. This year I heard my childhood friend Nate Stout killed himself & just a few days ago my dearest darling friend Charlie Shannon dropped dead. More and more people are dropping dead, from self- inflicted metal blasts and otherwise. Take care of yourselves kids, try to remember all the reasons you have to be happy and spill a little champagne along the way, for your dead hommies. It is now January 2004 and the list continues…
- Yorin Travel. Two of my favorite things in life is being on television & traveling and me getting to be a presenter on this show for the Yorin network of the Netherlands is the greatest job anyone could ever ask for. God bless the Dutch explorers.
- Being on vacation
- Being beside water
- The smell of Hawaiian Tropic sun tanning oil and how Ron Rice should consider coming out with a fragrance of the same
- The beach, any beach even if it’s polluted
- Going barefoot for as long as I can in summer
- The smell of freshly cut grass
- Go carts
- Water slides
- Ice cream trucks
- Drive in movies theatres (When you can find them)
- Devil women from Mars
- 5 dollar bottomless Mimosas
- The words moist and tasty
- The best date I ever had with Ann Petrak on Cocoa Beach to watch a Nasa night launch with wine and blanket and how magnificently the dark night at 3am was total daylight illuminating down on the good time we were having.
- Key West, Florida, which I found the best way to see, was with Ann Petrak. Buffalo shrimp, pirate history, ghost tour, Earnest Hemmingway and Ann Petrak with the smell of Hawaiian coconut oil on a beach with palm trees as the rest of the nation freezes in winter. Yes, this is the frozen moment I want to be living over and over.
- What Faye Woodruff taught the Parrot to say at the Key West comedy condo years ago
- The innocence of Columbus, Ohio
- Polaroids. Because Polaroids don’t lie
- Turning over pennies on the street so that other people will believe they have found good luck
- Raisin toast with butter
- Getting KFC in a bucket and flinging the chicken bones out of a rented convertible like a hillbilly
- Being surprised KFC in Thailand doesn’t sell chicken in the buckets like ours do in America but flinging the chicken bones like a hillbilly anyway
- Jack Kerouac. Especially the recording of him reading the last paragraphs of ‘On the road’. “And don’t you know that God is Pooh bear?
- The Greek island of Rhodes and going there for no other reason than it bares my name and I always wanted to go there.
- The old man who cleans the fountain of Helliocropils square everyday out of the goodness of his own heart.
- My first dip in the Aegean sea
- My million dollar secret idea to eviscerate moustaches of Greek women
- The old fisherman I met and hung out with every night I was on the island of Rhodes and how he would get upset every time I would call him a fisherman. “I am not a fisherman,” he would exclaim “I just come to the sea to relax and God gives me the fish.” Meanwhile he would have five fishing lines in the sea at all times while he studied each one like a master. One night after he caught nothing, after he packed up as he was leaving he said “Sometimes the sea says no.” I have never liked octopus and this old fisherman gave me octopus better than the best steak I’ve ever eaten. God bless him, good fucker.
- Swimming naked the length of Rhodes harbor entrance and back drunk at 3am because I thought it would give me super powers being that that was where the Colosus of Rhodes once stood. I don’t know if I gained any super powers but at least it wasn’t a Jeff Buckley in the Mississippi moment for me. *Being naked is one of the keys to happiness. Spending as much time as you can naked is a great cause of happiness.
- knowing that the island of Rhodes is known for exotic butterflies.
- Knowing that Berlin is the Kansas City of Europe.
- Unconvincing Transvestites
- Tabloid photography
- Third world cops
- The patheticness of Jimmy Corrigan
- Page 333 of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’; “Love loves to love love.”
- The imaginary conversations I sometimes have with Oprah Winfrey.
- The perpetual glorification of youth.
- The intentional imperfections of Native American art
- Bell bottom hip hugger pants
- The right to offend
- The art of being spontaneous
- The life and legend of Evil Knievel
- The red shanked Langur found only in Vietnam and Laos
- Mendocino county line
- Outlaw cowboy singers
- The gift of Jamaican independence
- Curry goat and rice
- The multi-ethnic polyrhythmic surroundings of the Citron club on Connecticut Ave. in Washington D.C. Spanish, Latin and Arabic girls dancing, swinging and grinding with all of their being in reckless abandon. Hooray! Hooray!
- Being anywhere were people are being free
- House music all night long
- The silent mating call of a young republic
- Listerine breathe sheets
- Extreme sport Jesus
- Spiritual seekers welcoming diversity
- Bible thumping urban shakedowns
- Punk rock girls
- Crooked smiles
- My collection of books
- My collection of airline vomit bags
- Not fucking strippers
- The Golden Gate bridge and the path that highway 101 cuts through the dry brown hills of Northern California.
- The dreamy Asian girls of Clement street in San Francisco and the solitude I find at Green Apple books imagining the possibilities as I explore the titles of books.
- Molly’s butterflies
- Mountains. Mountains make you humble, just like getting a flat tire.
- Fix a flat
- Flying business class on Lufthansa airlines from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Germany and reading in the in flight magazine story of an Asian man who has given up all his possessions in search of knowledge and the meaning of life.
- Herman Hesse’s ‘Siddhartha’
- Virgin airlines and Virgin record stores
- Richard Branson’s spirit of fun
- Tower records on Sunset Boulevard
- Driving as fast as I can on the elevated highways of Los Angeles late at night passing all the monkeys because my car was built to cruise
- The rock star apartment I had for 2 years on top of the Hollywood hills
- The rock star apartment I had for 1 year in the center of Amsterdam
- The fact that I could not pronounce the name of the street I lived on in Amsterdam. Lange Leidse Dwarsstraat.
- Getting 3 kisses when you greet a Dutch woman
- My old Dutch Gazelle girl’s bike
- Riding my bike through the tunnel of the Rijks museum in Amsterdam
- The salsa festival I happened upon in Vondel park in Amsterdam this past summer.
- The mushroom revelation I had about family, children and bubbles this past summer.
- Savory Dutch pancakes
- The word savory
- The mystic vibrations of Java
- The vast gloriousness of Australia
- The ‘Brown Bag’ stationary store on Fillmore and Pine in San Francisco
- Listening to Billy Crystal talk about Mickey Mantle
- Mickey Mantle
- Ted Williams
- Willie Mays
- The homeruns I have seen Barry Bonds smack in the water at Pac Bell park
- The batting stance of Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves
- Tiger Woods’ eyes
- The fact that Kim Oliva has seen me perform on 3 different continents and that she is one of my oldest and dearest friends
- That wet paper money is still openly accepted in Florida
- Jackie Gleason proclaiming “How sweet it is!” 2005 was a hard year for comedy. We lost 2 American comedy giants with the deaths of Richard Pryor and Johnny Carson, 2 of my all time favorite heroes. Also I lost 3 very good friends who were also genius comedians, Mitch Hedberg, Freddy Soto and Warren Thomas. I loved all those boys, it’s so strange that they are gone and I can only take comfort in the thought that legends never die – their memory lives on forever. God bless each of these heavenly saints for all they contributed to in helping the people of the earth forget their troubles. Remember children; all that we have is the art that we leave behind. It’s now June 2006 and summer is finally here after a long lonely winter, the sun blazing bright and late in the day as the world cup grips me and the rest of the world bringing everyone of every kind of human species together. I am in love with my life and I am in love with the world. On with the happy list…
- Tangerines
- Eye patches
- Pogo sticks
- Midgets in matador outfits
- Fortune cookies
- Nail gun survivors
- Misusing my Vic’s inhaler
- Surfing documentaries
- Swirling my air lasso
- Bob Ross
- Bob Ross’ afro
- Stroopwaffles
- Jelly belly jelly beans
- The Jelly belly flavor of the month club
- Baby wildebeests
- Sky scraper national park
- Willing myself invisible when the cops are around
- Refrigerator magnets that are also bottle openers
- Celebrity refrigerators
- My man crush on Bob Dylan
- Songs about supreme male confidence
- Old Citreon’s with canvas tops
- The New York times’ letters to the editor
- Debauched 17th century poets
- Museum gift shops
- Greta Garbo
- Moleskin notebooks
- Light sweet crude
- The color burnet sienna
- Pandas
- Capricious witticisms
- Wet cement messages
- Seneca
- Apostle’s of common sense
- Wondering if Adam and Eve had belly buttons
- Oprah’s nipple
- Reflecting the golden light
- Celestial fireworks
- The Buddhist concept of letting all living things be and respecting what they are
- Pitching a wang dang doodle all night long
- The Edmonton Eskimos
- Knowing that Tigger could never loose his bounce
- Knowing that human beings are instruments built for joy
- Knowing that Jay is a bitch ass whore
- The phrase “Heaven’s to Betsy!”
- Celebrity Uno
- Curvaliciousness
- Pagan love songs
- Boat names
- Horse names
- Horse names
- Native American names War Eagle, Lean Wolf, Rushing Bear, Young Whirlwind, Crazy Horse, etc.
- The God point of Native American art (God enters in the mistake).
- The Everywhere spirit
- The disease to please
- The art of desire
- The lovers of truth
- Tripping the light fantastic
- Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
- Lindeman’s Merlot of Australia (Euphoria in every bottle).
- Elegant, assertive wines with glorious full fruit flavors
- My imaginary conversations with Perry Ferrel
- Spending my money on clothes instead of drugs
- Being 39 and still splashing through puddles on rainy days
- Referring to Amsterdam as the Tijuana of Europe
- Eatting Cinammon ice cream at the Cobra cafe on museumplein in Amsterdam on Easter Sunday
- Mama’s Shawarma * 56 Korteleidsedwarstraat, Amsterdam
- The Albert Hein grocery store that is underneath the Van Gogh museum
- Walking down Johannes Vermeerstraat with a book of Dante Gabriel Rossetti in a Vincent van Gogh bag
- Anniek Pheifer shitting her pants in Big Sur, California as I bought lavender mist spray
- Ton, the mad Polish dreamer who plays a one string banjo in the tunnel underneath the Rijks museum. By most text book definitions he is a crazy homeless person but sometimes I like to buy him beer and talk to him. He told me that he is trying to achieve purity. He also told me his idea for world peace, according to Ton the reason there is war is because people do not have enough gold fish in their lives. “The reason Mr. Bush started this war is because he has no gold fish. If everyone had a gold fish there would be no war in this world.” It is Ton’s vision he told me one night, to drain the canals of Amsterdam and refill them with fresh water and gold fish. Ton kept referring to it as ‘The gold fish project’ and he even made me ‘The general of the gold fish project’ because he believed I could help him get his message out to many people.
- The gold fish project
- Being the general of the gold fish project
- Utrechtstraat in Amsterdam. By day it is like a river flowing with life, but at night she is quite and calm like a delicate stream
- The hotel Armada
- Gary Christmas
- Reading David Sedaris on airplanes and laughing out loud uncontrollably and getting strange looks from the other passengers
- Henry Miller’s epiphanies on human futility and his observations on Greece in the ‘Collosus of Maroosi
- Garage sales of ancient Greece
- The stormers of winter palaces
- Pimps. The pimp game. The art of pimpin’ and the word pimpoliciousness
- Pimp steak
- The ancient secrets of the Aztecs
- The volcanic peaks of the Mexican highlands
- Uraguyan resistance
- Yanik Noah
- Yvonne Goolagon
- The quick flick of a zippo lighter
- Thai women’s asses
- The triumph of oversimplification
- Why I love Pinot Grigio
- Horton hears a who
- The Chi flow
- Dreaming out loud
- Barbie sparkling bubble fruit toothpaste by colgate
- Banana flavored rolling paper (because I like my weed to give me the illusion that I am getting potassium.)
- Potassium (even in illusion form.)
- Harry Belefante calling Colin Powel a house n—–.
- Knowing that white people should never use the n word not even when reciting rap lyrics
- Discovering a new writer and wanting to devour all of his books
- ‘A heart breaking work of staggering genius’ by Dave Eggers
- ‘Shantaram’ by Gregory David Roberts
- Page 313 of ‘Desolation Angels’ and Jack Kerouac’s use of the word ‘poontang’
- Page 340 of ‘Desolation Angels’ and Jack Kerouac saying “Why travel if not like a child?”
- The joyful explosion of endorphins as you walk into an empty post office with no line or waiting
- That Paul Trefonis is the same sweet wonderful person he was when we were boys.
- Beertje van Beers checking the compatabilty of our zodiac signs
- The Rose I gave Beertje van Beers and the weeds in her garden that it revealed
- Sam Coleman telling me that Beertje van Beers was a bad kisser
- Sam Coleman, Mr. Bubbles, Mr. Fun. Sam Coleman is one of the best friends I made while living in Amsterdam. He is from San Diego and is a journalist living in Amsterdam, we met when he interviewed me for Ex-Patriots magazine. He rented a limousine and we went to TikkiBaad, an indoor waterslide park in Den Hague. for a while Sam went through a phase of dressing up and acting like Andy Warhol in the nightclubs we would go out to. Full on acting like Andy Warhol taking photos with a polaroid and giving the pictures out to all of the beautiful people. Sam is far braver than I will ever be like that, he really brings comedy to people of the street. For the longest time Sam had a toy gun that shot out and endless amount of bubbles. The children in the summertime streets of Amsterdam would go crazy with delight at the amount of bubbles Sam would put into the air specifically for their joy. Sam is married to a Swedish hottie named Stella who is an international DJ star and soon they will be relocating to Kuala Lumpor.
- The sound of champagne opening because it is synonymous with the sound of celebration
- The fable that when Dom Perignon discovered champagne he exclaimed: “I am drinking the stars!”
- Vueve Cliquot. My favorite champagne because it is what the girls on ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ drank and because of what the widow Cliquot did for the advancement of champagne production.
- The year I spent working for Yorin Travel, a travel TV program on Dutch television. It is everyone’s dream to do a travel TV show and I am grateful that I got to go to so many fabulous places
- The Champagne region of France
- St. Petersburg, Russia
- The Hermitage museum in St. Petersburg
- The Rembrandt room of the Hermitage museum
- Russian women’s asses
- Curacoa
- Aruba
- Papiamento
- Liverpool, England
- The Magical mystery bus tour in Liverpool
- The guidebook to Peru
- Understanding that what Pamela Anderson is to Playboy magazine Peru is to National Geographic magazine
- Isla Ballista and the 200 year war Peru had with Chile over guano (Bird shit)
- Renting a plane and flying over and seeing the Nasca lines (Something I dreamed of doing ever since I was a boy)
- Riding a motorcycle in the Peruvian desert
- The indigenous family I stayed with on Armenenti Island on Lake Titicaca and the ceremony for Pacha Mama (Mother Earth) that I witnessed
- Pacha Mama (Mother Earth)
- Lake Titicaca
- That the entire Inca society was based on reciprocity
- Wild herds of Llama
- Llama highway crossing signs
- Soaring condors
- Terrace farming
- Taking Peru rail from Puno to Cuzco in Inca class. Inca class is the last car on the train with open railing and a bar with cozy leather arm chairs. It is the first class car and it only costs 22 dollars, it is one of the best things I ever did in my life and will try to do it again before I die. I stood outside for most of the journey sipping Pisco sours and watching the beauty of the Andes mountains roll by.
- Pisco sours
- Cuzco, Peru (The once capitol of the entire Inca civilization)
- Machu Pichu (Also somewhere I dreamed of going my whole life and it was worth every drop of energy and every dime it cost to go there. Climbing up the Andes of the Inca highway for 2 days was worth it to be at the sun gate once the sun was coming up and the morning clouds dissipated unveiling Machu Pichu as if curtains were opening on a theatre show or a masterpiece of artwork)
- That people still wave in Peru
- The Incas vs. The Spaniards chess set I bought in Peru. I suck at chess, now when I play I can always be the Incas and when I get slaughtered it will be historically accurate
- Wido Dykstra
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s ‘Gallapagos’
- Wild Wadi in Dubai
- Barcelona’s Guell Park
- Layla, my Palestinian friend in Barcelona who refers to Israel as Palisreal
- The 10 Russian violinists who I heard playing for coins in the Barcelona subway
- The word joyousness
- Queen’s day in Amsterdam
- Silver Shiva
- Prince willem Alexander and his wife Maxima
- Suitclub of the Netherlands
- Sony of the Netherlands
- Rennes-le-chateau, France
- Performing at the Hotel du Nord in Paris
- Karel Beer
- Riding on the back of Karel’s scooter in Paris
- That in France the unemployed get free admission to all museums
- Knowing that the French invented lingerie and the bikini
- Sylvie Nicolas
- Guy de Maupasant
- Arthur Rimbaud
- Putting flowers on Arthur Rimbaud’s grave
- The triumphant beauty of Arabic women
- Meeting Jamila Azzouz in Alkmaar
- Watching Jamila clean the milkshake machine at McDonald’s
- The love story I had with Jamila and the epic 10 day trip we took around Europe before I moved back to America
- Charlieville, France Day 1
- Epirnay, France Day 2
- Arles, France Day 3
- Figueres, Spain Day 4
- Bilboa, Spain Day 5
- Biarritz, France Day 6
- Paris, France Day 7
- Paris, France Day 8
- Lille, France Day 9
- Antwerp, Belgium Day 10
- At the hotel Van Gogh in Arles drinking a peach iced tea on La Terrasse de Vincent and Jamila telling me that this trip “was like a great book that you didn’t want to end.”
- Van Gogh’s orchard paintings of Arles
- Wendy Van Dyke
- The Paradiso (The Paradiso is my favorite nightclub in Amsterdam, it was originally a church built in the 13th century but now it is a nightclub and concert hall and I have had some of the best times of my life there.)
- Seeing Jane’s Addiction at the Paradiso
- Seeing the White Stripes at the Paradiso
- Seeing Interpol at the Paradiso
- Seeing India Arie at the Paradiso
- Seeing Alejandro Escavedo at the Paradiso
- Jimi Hendrix live in Berkeley
- Pavement live in Paris 1994
- The Smashing Pumpkins
- The Sex Pistols
- The Clash
- Smoking weed at 4:20pm
- The Replacements
- The New York Dolls
- Johnny Thunders
- The Velvet Underground
- Lou Reed
- Roxy Music
- The Stooges
- Iggy Pop
- REM
- Bob Marley
- Van Morrison
- Tom Waits
- Mose Allison
- Patty Smith
- Rickie Lee Jones
- PJ Harvey
- Cat Power
- The Pixies
- That Joey Santiago is my favorite Filipino
- My Morning jacket
- Arcade fire
- Goldfrapp
- Meg White
- Knowing that Mick Jagger should have been awarded the Nobel Peace prize for the speech he gave at Altamonte. “People, people it’s within your power, Hell’s Angels everyone. This could be the most beautiful evening of our winter. If we are all one let’s know we are all one.”
- Charlie Watts’ drumming on ‘Loving cup’
- Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual healing’ (That song is sex on a stick)
- Curtis Mayfield
- Bill Withers
- Stevie Wonder
- Otis Redding
- Sly and the Family stone (Especially ‘Hot fun in the summertime)
- Larry Sanders
- Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge)
- The Trailer park boys
- Ricky Gervais
- Fred Willard
- Eugene Levy
- Sarah Silverman
- Benny Hill
- Dave Allen
- Monty Python
- The Avengers
- Ron Glass
- Max Baer Jr.
- Buddy Epson
- Mr. French from ‘Family Affair’
- Bikram Yoga
- Paramhansa Yogananda
- Bikram Choudhury
- Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in the film ‘Tombstone’. “I have not yet begun to defile myself” or “My hypocrisy only goes so far”
- Kurt Russell in ‘Tombstone’
- Goldie Hawn
- Kate Hudson
- Chris Robinson
- Rich Robinson
- The Black Crowes
- Scott Weiland
- Stone Temple Pilots
- Velvet Revolver
- Buddy Revel in the film ‘3 o’clock high’
- Andy Griffith in the film ‘A face in the crowd’
- Ray Winston in the film ‘Sexy beast’ Especially after Ben Kingsley’s Dirty Dee Dee speech Ray says: “I love her with all my heart”
- The book “Hagakure – The way of the samurai” by Yamamoto Tsunetono “No one will listen to an old man who does not have vitality”
- My Dad’s Las Vegas Filipno wedding
- My Dad’s retirement village trailer park
- Chelsea Peretti’s eyes
- Hilde Brontsema’s cleavage
- Hilde Brontsema’s wickedly wonderful sense of humor
- Hilde Brontsema’s intelligence
- Hilde Brontsema’s perfectly aerodynamic nose
- Waterskiing on Lindos bay beneath the acropolis on the island of Rhodes
- The Comedy Store in London I have had sex with a lot of women and I have done a lot of drugs and there is no better feeling than to be standing onstage at the Comedy Store in London with a packed house and ripping the ass of the place
- Walker’s Sensations potato chips of Great Britain Especially these flavors: Oven roasted chicken with thyme Slow roasted lamb and mint Sea salt and crushed black pepper Spicy Thai prawn
- Being on Never mind the buzzcocks
- Jonguelers Christmas money
- The strangely warm night I spent with Tigger in Fitzroy Square
- All the time I spent staying with Rich Hall on Fitzroy Square and how it was always easy to find my way home in London because of the BT tower
- Lotus Thai – 80 Cleveland st. My favorite Thai restaurant in London Get the gold bags and the spicy seafood combination
- After performing in Leeds, UK and the joy in my heart that I felt as I was leaving that shithole. Apparently The Who album ‘Live at Leeds’ was an inside joke that took me 30 years to get
- Japanese commercials I wish there was a 24 hour channel only of Japanese commercials
- Being in Tokyo with Dane Babbitt
- Taking the Tokyo subway across town to get a Tokyo Giants hat
- Seeing tired business men sleeping all over Tokyo
- Walking around Tokyo eating Kentuck Fried chicken and flicking the bones like a hillbilly
- Seeing a teenager in Tokyo with a shirt that said ‘White power’ Now either he doesn’t know what those English words say or else he belongs to a very liberal hate group. “We’d like you all to meet our newest member Yamamoto” Yamamoto raises his fist and says: “White power!”
- Knowing that the Denny’s menu in Japan will frighten the shit out of you
- Seeing the Japanese Beatles, ‘The Parrots’, play at a club in Tokyo called ‘Abbey road’ brilliant good fun, you’d swear you were listening to ‘The Beatles’ The Japanese John Lennon has a white girlfriend by the way
- Meeting Bart of Sony Netherlands at the Geronimo bar in the Rapugee district of Tokyo
- Viva Vietnam!
- Vietnamese food
- Vietnamese water puppets
- Staying at the Metropole hotel in Hanoi
- Thailand
- Thai food
- Being on top of the Banyan tree hotel in Bangkok at sunset
- Knowing that Thailand was never conquered by any outside nation. I believe that this is because of Thai boxing, outsiders came and saw them kneeing each other in the stomach and kicking each other in the head and thought maybe we shouldn’t mess with these people
- Knowing that the most beautiful women in the world are Thai men
- The Phi Phi islands
- maproa.com
- Being a fire dancer at Maproa on Ko Phi Phi, Thailand
- Learning to scuba dive in the bay of Bengal
- Scuba diving off the coast of Ko Phi Phi and seeing bottles and discarded tires at the bottom of the ocean and knowing that I will never litter in any way ever again
- How aware and alive I felt and how vivid were all of the colors of the earth as I sat on the beach at Maproa and gratefully watched the sunset hours after I almost drowned. Nothing makes you appreciate living like almost dying
- The Holy Tree suite at Maproa
- Bali
- thevillas.net
- Hong Kong
- The Shangri-la hotel in Hong Kong
- Hong Kong Phooey
- Working with Steve Hughes in Hong Kong
- Steve Hughes explaining to me the mark vs. no mark story. Steve and I were out one night in Hong Kong when we saw the Elvis of Hong Kong. He’s an old Chinese man who dresses like Elvis and walks around the city at night singing Elvis songs. Steve told me that the old man is leaving his mark. No matter who thinks he is a silly old man the truth of the matter is the old man has left his mark and will not be forgotten. Steve went on to say that the worst thing you could be in this life is a no mark. The whole time after this Steve and I ran around Hong Kong saying to each other: “Don’t be a no mark”
- Steve Hughes saving my glasses from getting crushed when they got knocked off my face and fell to the crowded dance floor. Being drunk with Steve Hughes is fun because he is my hero for saving my glasses and for being the kick ass comedian that he is
- Leaving your mark
- The Elvis of Hong Kong
- John Moorehead
- Commie pimp shit
- Paris Hilton eating all of my breakfast sausages
- The street in Beijing where they sell fried scorpion on a stick
- The Forbidden city in Beijing
- That there is a Starbuck’s in the center of the Forbidden city in Beijing. When I saw it my first reaction was in disgust, ‘Fucking corporate American greed with it’s tentacles all over the world.’ My second reaction was, ‘Jesus it’s freezing, I’d love a cup of coffee.’
- That the people in the streets of Beijing are so eager to learn English they will just come up to you and try to engage you in a conversation. “Hello, how are you today? We are having lovely weather don’t you think?”
- Going to the Hard Rock Cafe in Shanghai because I was sick of eating Chinese food and getting a Southern style pork sandwich. On the wall next to where I ate it was a karate uniform that had been owned and used by Elvis. It was pristine white except that on the sleeves looked like what appeared to ketchup stains. As I munched on my pork sandwich I thought that that must have been Elvis’ hamburger eating karate uniform
- Going to and seeing the great wall of China and running on top of it waving my hands to the sky just in case any astronauts could see me
- Sydney, Australia
- The Comedy Store in Sydney, Australia
- Marianne Esho yelling “Encore!” The night I filmed my DVD at the Comedy Store and meeting her afterwards to discover that underneath her glasses she was truly a super hero in disguise
- Referring to Sydney as Findingnemoville
- Climbing to the top of the Sydney harbor bridge
- Going to Michael Hutchence’s grave with Bruce Griffiths
- Swimming in Double bay every day with Chris Wainhouse
- Watching CSI with Paul Brasch
- Doing mushrooms with Paul Brasch at the waters edge on Sydney harbor
- Flavor of India (My favorite restaurant in Sydney and where Michael Hutchence had his last meal)
- Global burgers
- Elvis pizza
- Meat pies
- Sea cars
- Seeing a cricket match with Chris Leach
- Manly surf school 099776977
- Learning that Rice Crispies are called Rice Bubbles in Australia
- Australian money. You can’t tear it and all of the bills have little windows on them so that you can see if anyone is sneaking up on you while you count your money
- The Koala teddy bear I had as a boy
- The reaction that Koalas get from eating eucalyptus leaves
- The Sydney zoo
- Jogging to the Sydney opera house every day and running up the steps like Rocky
- The Melbourne comedy festival
- The Medina hotel in Melbourne
- Australian rules football
- The Melbourne Demons
- Killing on Rove Live
- Honolulu, Hawaii
- Knowing that Hawaii is the answer
- Hawaiian music
- Brother Iz. Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
- Poke
- Pineapples
- Ukalalees
- Hawaiian quilts
- The mixed race Polynesian lovelies of Honolulu
- Hot Japanese surfer girls headed to the beach with surf boards under their arms at Waikiki beach
- Waikiki beach
- Midnight surfing with Melissa Mapes by moonlight at Waikiki beach
- The life experience of Melissa Mapes
- The life that Bobby Rabina carved out for himself on Oahu
- The Aloha stadium swap meet
- Listening to Hawaiian music in L.A. traffic
- San Diego, CA
- Magpie. My 60 year old hippy artist dreamer guru in Encinitas, CA with a beautiful spirit and a loud laugh
- Learning to make honeywine from my friend Magpie
- Honeywine. Honeywine is the rocket ship to happyland
- Seeing the padres with Magpie
- The Padres blasting AC-DC’s ‘Hells bells’ when they brought out their strongest closer Trevor Hoffman
- Baseball. There is so much gentle beauty and human drama in the game of baseball. Baseball is like life, it is slow and boring punctuated with lively bursts of action. Baseball makes me happy because it is O.K. to throw trash on the ground at games and also because it is O.K. for fat old men to wear the uniforms of little boys.
- The Montreal Expos becoming the Washington Nationals
- Meeting real Eskimo people
- El Paso, Texas
- Isela Avila
- Drinking cold white wine with Isela Avila in a shady cantina in a hot tiny New Mexico village
- Malvasia Bianca
- Mesilla, New Mexico
- Sliced cucumber with lime juice and salt
- The club owner’s son (Evan) in El Paso telling me that I am a swarthy European wannabe
- The seriousness of the Mexican flag
- Austin, Texas
- The Austin motel
- The Continental club in Austin, TX
- Seeing Toni Price at the Continental club
- Laughing it up with Howard Beecher at the Continental club
- Seeing Jodie Adaire at Jonita’s
- Jodie Adaire telling me “The truth makes me wet”
- The Pixies on Austin city limits
- Tom and Tom. My 2 favorite gay friends in Austin who just happen to both possess my favorite name. I refer to them as Double Tom, when we all hang out it is a Triple Tom threat.
- Atlanta, Georgia
- The Atlanta Punchline
- Dale Murphy’s mole
- Kathe Nelson’s lioness ways
- cafe 290
- Coca-Cola
- Chic-fil-a sandwiches
- Amanda Douglas
- Lexington, Kentucky
- The empire that Jeff Gilstrap built in Lexington, KY
- The Kentucky Wildcats
- Ashley Judd
- The Kentucky leaf report I was performing in Lexington in Autumn and did a radio program where on air they gave a Kentucky leaf report, telling the listeners in what part of the state they would find the prettiest colors of leaves on the trees
- Woodford Reserve
- When the whiskey melts the ice
- Cassius Clay throwing his Olympic gold medal into the Ohio river
- Colonel Sanders
- Colonel Sanders’ grave (A get place to enjoy a bucket of chicken and wipe your greasy fingers off on his tombstone after you have flicked your chicken bones on his grave like a hillbilly) Eleven herbs and spices, that Colonel knew what he was doing. 12 spices would have been too many and 10 not enough.
- Mike Nilsson
- Louisville Sluggers
- John Hope’s amiability
- Derrick and the Fuck Monkeys (The greatest bar band of all time)
- Minneapolis, Minnesota
- Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis
- Tom Waits’ ‘9th and Hennepin’ “And all of the doughnuts had names that sounded like prostitutes”
- Louis Lee
- Colleen Kruse
- Charles Ezelle
- Knowing that cussing ain’t Minnesota nice
- Prince (Rogers Nelson)
- Knowing that the reason Prince wears so much purple is because he is a huge Vikings fan
- The time I was invited to Paisley Park and got to see Prince Jam until 4am
- Knowing that Prince’s little ass is so cute that if I were ever on an elevator with him I would grab both of his little ass cheeks with both of my hands and I would not let go until we got to his floor.
- Alan Page
- Seattle, Washington
- Cathy Sorbo
- Paul Clark
- Nova Clark
- Seeing the Mariners with Cathy, Paul and Nova
- Icharo Suzuki
- Pike’s Market Place
- Red Hook beer
- Bellingham, Washington
- Driving from Seattle to Montana for Rich Hall’s wedding
- Rich Hall’s wedding Rich married the loveliest English girl named Karen and a lot of her friends and family had come over from England, the theme of the wedding was Western and you should have seen how happy these English people were to dress up boots and cowboy hats. Everyone was as happy as children in the soft summer air dancing and drinking at the reception under a colossal mountain backdrop. Knowing Rich Hall has improved my life in every way.
- Livingston, Montana
- Missoula, Montana
- Seeing Pearl Jam in Missoula at the University of Montana
- Lettuce heads
- Vancouver
- Toronto
- Toronto Yuk-Yuks
- June Kuniyoshi
- Seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs beating the Boston Bruins in a shoot out
- Calling the Toronto Maple Leafs “The Leafies”
- Calling Canadian people “The leafy people”
- Mike Wilmot
- Montreal
- The Montreal Comedy Festival (Just for laughs)
- Bruce Hills
- Kissing at the top of Mount Royale on a warm July evening (I only ever did it once and it made me very happy, thanks Fafi!)
- Club Soda during the Just for laughs festival
- Montreal’s annual fireworks festival
- The Washington D.C. Improv
- Visiting my Uncle John Miller
- My Aunt Mary
- Rich Leiby
- The Washington Post
- Sonya Medina
- Sonya Medina giving me a tour of the White House
- XM Radio
- 98 Rock in Baltimore
- Kirk McEwin laughing
- Meeting Tony Atlas at 98 Rock. Tony Atlas is a pro-wrestler I saw when I was a boy. He would always be getting his ass kicked then his leg would start to shake and he would start to dance like Jomes Brown and then he would ultimately come back and win the fight. When I met him Tony told me that Pro wrestling was a reflection of society and now everyone wants to be a bad guy because there are no good guys left.
- Mickey from 98 Rock in Baltimore telling me that he got a hooker in Iceland just so that he could talk politics with her
- No Baltimore No Baltiless
- Justin Schleagel
- Nicole Brooke Schwartz
- Helium in Philadelphia
- Ben Maher
- The Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey
- That Vinnie Brand is an open minded conservative
- Sirius satellite radio
- Doing Jim Bruer’s Sirius radio program
- Doing the Bob and Tom show in Indianapolis
- The Orlando Improv
- The Hollywood, Florida Improv
- Going to church with Robert Hawkins and his Mom
- The Seminole Hard Rock Casino hotel pool They have speakers underwater so that you can still hear the music while submerged. My favorite came on and I almost drowned.
- Writer’s meetings with Lisa Carrao
- McCurdy’s comedy theatre in Sarasota, Florida
- Visiting with my Uncle Bob
- That first sip of Zamboka
- The Sheperds
- Lou Angelwolf
- Kevin Rogers
- Bobby Taylor
- My brother Dave’s wedding 2005
- 7-11
- Florida housing development names Eagle’s landing, Willow grove, Shady Pines… I think whatever they had to bulldoze over to make it is what they named it
- Destin, Florida
- New Smyrna Beach, Florida
- Janine’s lake on the 4th of July
- Going to Fleaworld in Sanford, FL and seeing redneck Asians
- Going to thrift stores with my Mom
- Publix supermarkets of Florida In the fresh vegetable section every 15 minutes the sound of lightning comes over the speakers and then the mist rains down fresh water on the vegetables. That is what is great about America, silliness with a purpose!
- Christamas in Florida Arriving in Orlando for Christmas and seeing out my window of the plane that all of the ground crew workers on the tarmac were wearing shorts. Shorts, flip-flops and frozen yogurt. That’s Christmas to me baby!
- My Mom teaching me how to make soup
- My Mom’s paintings
- My Mom’s prayers
- Walking around Lake Charm in Oviedo with my Mom There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be solved with a walk around Lake Charm in Oviedo, Florida
- Moving to Los Angeles and the moving van perfectly breaking down in front of my new apartment
- Becoming a real California weirdo
- Cross culture pollination
- The Hollywood Bowl
- The L.A. farmer’s market
- Lunches with Timmie in Thaitown
- Korea town
- Knowing that Korea town isn’t just a neighborhood, it’s failed foreign policy
- Hitting wiffle balls on the roof of the Brown Derby Plaza just outside my apartment window
- Rhodes Beach
- Wilshire boulevard
- The HMS Bounty
- Roxana of Chiapas, Mexico
- The Prince on Catalina (My favorite bar in L.A.)
- Knowing that Bank of America in Koreatown is the friendliest bank on the planet
- Blueberry and pomegranate smoothies
- Forgiving Helie
- Mark Brazil
- Steve Ochs
- Anya Marina
- Dana Gibson
- Laila Villalobos
- Amy Crossfield
- Referring to L.A. as the land of perfect teeth and big titties
- Killing at Largo
- Seeing Greg Proops killing at Largo
- Bumming a cigarette from Sandra Oh
- Bucky Sinister
- Bucky Sinister’s ‘Whiskey and Robots’
- Seeing the Slackmob at Jumbo’s clown room
- Seeing Ben Harper at Ameba music in Hollywood
- Seeing the Giants thump the Dodgers with my Dad
- My Dad’s handicapped seating scam that works every time
- Tom Russell’s ‘Hotwalker’
- Howard Meehan
- Rick Overton
- Paul Provenza
- Bob Fisher
- The Ice House in Pasadena, California
- The Fryer’s club of Beverly Hills
- Horseback riding with Sam and Stella in the Hollywood Hills near the Hollywood sign. Yes there is a place to rent horses at the top of the Hollywood Hills and you can ride underneath the Hollywood sign. It is only 20 dollars an hour and I recommend it to anyone who is visiting Los Angeles
- The Levi’s headquarters store in San Francisco
- The Filmore auditorium in San Francisco
- Seeing the Black Crowes at Hammerstein ballroom in New York City March 25-27, 2005 (Good Friday to Easter) “Kiss me baby on Easter Sunday, make my haze go away”
- Seeing the Black Crowes at the Filmore in San Francisco August 5-7, 2005
- Seeing Chris and Rich Robinson play acoustic at the Cafe Du Nord 2006
- The first ever High Times Comedy Festival
- The benefit I did for the Sacramento Sheriff’s department
- Shawn and Jeff
- Mill Valley, California
- The Throckmorton theatre in Mill Valley because Charlie Chaplin played there once in his vaudeville days
- Lucy who owns the Throckmorton
- Staying at the Mill Valley Inn room 18
- Three sevens
- Playing at the Tempe, Arizona Improv with Artie Lange
- Jack Boulware’s smart camp
- litquake.com
- Opening for Dave Chappelle at the San Francisco Punchline
- Meeting Tom Waits
- The Triton hotel in San Francisco room 308
- Motorcycle Mike of Buffalo, New York
- J.J. of Rochester, New York
- How well they treat you at the Comix Cafe in Rochester, NY
- How much Tammy Amico loves the Cincinnati Reds
- Great Britain. Magnificent Britain. Impervious Britain
- Post Colonial Guilt
- Jon Keyes
- Any time I am returning to Holland
- Zwarte Pete
- Alloochtons
- Killing on Raymann is Laat
- Marcel Haug
- Alex Bordewijk
- Michael Veling
- 420cafe.com
- Watching Ireen Wust beat Maki Tabata for the gold medal in women’s speed skating
- E-Life
- The Rozen theatre in Amsterdam
- Rotterdam
- Peter Klashorst
- The spiritual transformation of the red light district
- Love ins at the Amsterdam Hilton
- Thys & Katje
- Discovering Fenkle
- The Albert Cuyp market
- Burgermeisters
- Grolsch beer
- Grolsch’s ceramic bottle top roach smokers
- The Dutch birthday song
- Dutch government money
- Flying first class on KLM because my friend Klaas hooked me up
- Dinner with Klaas and Veronica
- Knowing that Utrecht police eat a dick up This was some graffiti I read on the train passing through Utrecth “Utrecth police eat a dick up”
- Delores’ red snapper sandwich’s on toasted brown bread NWE Zyds v. Burgwal t/o 289 1012 RL Amsterdam
- Cyrille Carreon
- Vian Ramadan
- Gerke Nauta
- Jason Tagar
- Monica Galer
- Meeting Njeri Mbugua in Oklahoma City
- Tom Njeri
- Tom and Jerry
- New Year’s Eve with Njeri in Philadelphia
- Blurple
- Kenyan goat stew
- December 12th. Kenyan Independence day
- Dreaming of Mombasa
- The Gerald Ford presidential library in Grand Rapids, Michigan
- First Mama Betty Ford
- Shelly in Glasgow, Scotland telling me that “My Dad is my bible.”
- Theatre shows for intelligent people
- Curtain calls
- Friesien names
- Neils van Brakel
- Universal themes of love, loss and loneliness
- Breaking through the clouds on an airplane and breaking free into the dazzling sunshine
- Belfast
- Georgie Best
- Dublin, Ireland
- Brian Cronly
- Peter O’Mahoney
- The Laughter Lounge in Dublin, Ireland
- Exercising my demons
- Uvulas
- Blunderbus’
- Mercy’s sweet moan
- Traveling merrymakers
- Doers
- Holding hands at the movies
- Eating Ringo first
- Tommunism
- Pleasure seekers
- Honeywine slurpees
- Truthful sensitive intelligence
- Magnetic soul alliances
- Radiating your divinity
- The sacred feminine
- The sacred fool
- Knowing that I am eternal
- Knowing that the yo-yo is the new guitar
- Knowing that cold blooded animals do not have dreams
- Knowing that God looks out for comedians and retards
- Knowing that life is about the protection of innocence
- Knowing that Jesus, Elvis, Gandhi, Muhammad Ali and Martin Luther King Jr. were all Capricorns
- Blue Capricorns
- The new lost city ramblers
- The Mount Kenya safari club
- Big Bone Lick, Kentucky
- christianroth.com
- The cartoon riots
- Knowing that Catholic guilt intensifies the pleasure
- Knowing that Jesus was probably a down right rib tickle
- Rabbit fur underwear
- Rabbit fur lined gloves
- Zoetermeer- Sweet leg city
- Loving Adam Curry for the pimp ass hustler that he is
- Knowing that the women are praying for a better crop than we had last year
- Knowing that love sees no color
- Knowing that love is a poor man’s food
- The blurring qualities of drink
- Shitting in all four corners
- The word kerfuffle
- Knobgobblers
- Manpleasers
- Cock washers
- Subcommandantes
- My Mom’s black bean and pork soup
- My Mom’s Banana bread
- Brazil’s sugar cane ethanol
- Morning becomes eclectic on KCRW in L.A.
- Steve Jones on 103.1 FM everyday from 12pm-3pm in L.A.
- Steve Jones for Huntington Beach Toyota
- Steve Jones interviewing Ray Winston
- True human beings
- Apricot scrubs
- Feeling ultraviolet
- Spitting hot fire
- Fozzy bear
- The Muppets
- Knowing that at Jim Henson’s funeral he requested that everyone could wear whatever color they wanted as long as that color was not black
- New Joke Playland
- Ukiah, California
- Grant Sheperd’s paradise
- My Mendocino getaway
- The Ukiah brewing company
- The Freys
- Quintanaroo, Mexico
- Being in Mexico with 98 Rock from Baltimore
- Being on a bed swing with Nicole Schwartz in Mexico with a Caribbean breeze
- Going to a Mexican Wal-mart with Stash
- That Mexican television is all midgets and cleavage
- Knowing that the rising tide lifts all ships
- Knowing that Johnny Steele thinks that keeping a happiness list is a stupid idea
- Building monuments
- Mega structures
- The Diego Rivera museum in Guanajuato, Mexico
- The king of Jordan’s wife
- Black beard the pirate
- Being drunk with beauty
- Slugging it out in Palookaville
- Finding money in old pockets
- My empire of 20 dollar purchases
- Being among the buttercups
- Low riders of Southern California
- Fringedwellers
- The story of my baldness
- Not being dead
- Pele
- Diego Maradonna
- Fish tacos
- Much kissing in automobiles
- Charles Bukowski waiting for something literary or symphonic to happen
- My Charles Bukowski autographed book of poems
- My autographed photo of Ted Williams
- My autographed concert poster of Johnny Cash from when I saw him and met him in 1994
- Robin Hood entering a tavern and yelling “Mutton and ale for all my men!”
- Errol Flynn’s autobiography “My wicked, wicked ways”
- Errol Flynn film festivals on TMC
- Making peace with your dark side
- Treacle cutters
- The word twaddle
- Leaving on a jetplane
- Eating KFC on crowded oversold airplanes
- Knowing that there are no rules for the creative act
- Sitting Bull climbing a hilltop to receive a vision
- Dave Mathews making it cool to be a pudgy white guy
- Promising local bands
- Opening for the Everly Brothers
- Opening for Ray Charles
- Opening for James Brown
- Knowing that racism is sexual jealousy
- Knowing that racism is a deal breaker
- Knowing that God is back to fake cosmic orgasms
- Knowing that women are the way forward
- Understanding infinity
- The importance of understanding your parents
- Seeing an ex-girlfriend with her new child and being happy that it isn’t mine
- Paul Westerberg
- Meeting Hedberg’s parents
- Keeping the tears off of my Mother’s cheeks
- Tom Waits pulling on troubles braids
- Pablo Neruda
- India’s wealth of knowledge
- California hippy names
- Keeping my juices to myself
- Reverse stalking
- George Jones
- Sacramento’s skateboarders for Jesus steelroots.com
- Knowing that all the bitches loved Jesus
- Break out moments in the Caribbean What happens to every British rock band after the get some success and go to the Caribbean, it’s magic! For the best example of this listen to the Clash double album ‘Sandinista’.
- The guitar restraint that Keith Richards shows on ‘Sympathy for the devil’
- Uncut the British rock magazine and their monthly sampler CD of that months best music
- Johnny Depp
- Pirates of the Caribbean (The movie and the Disney theme park ride)
- What’s eating Gilbert Grape
- True Romance
- The Babe Ruth birthplace and museum
- The Isotopes
- Family guy
- The smartness of Border Collies
- Muriel’s Wedding
- Wedding Crashers
- The Evel Knievel doll I had as a boy
- The Elvis Presley doll I have as an adult
- My Vinyl record collection
- Rock Star INXS
- J.D. Fortune’s pants
- April 18th National wear your pajamas to work day
- Tennessee tuxedos
- Rubber chickens
- Yosemite Sam
- Foghorn Leghorn
- Zantepe (Socrates’ wife)
- Super hero rings
- Dancing with no regard to rhythm
- The homeless guy on Kenmore street in L.A. who told me after I gave him money “May you find all the peace you need”
- Glow in the dark under arm deodorant
- The Hindu concept of reincarnation and how you should look at the world in that at one time every on the earth was once your Mother
- The article I read about a study that found that men who kiss their wives goodbye before going to work live longer, get into fewer accidents and have a higher income than men who don’t
- That a recent study by auto insurance companies said that the records reflect that Gemini’s are the worst drivers and that Capricorns are the best drivers
- The Henry Ford museum in Detroit
- The Clyde Barrow of Bonnie and Clyde’s letter to Henry Ford in 1934 that is on display at the Henry Ford museum in Detroit: “Mr. Ford- For sustained speed and freedom from trouble when we steal a car we only steal a Ford. The 1934 V8 is a dandy. I didn’t think it would hurt nothing to tell you what a dandy car you make.”
- Taxi cab driver genius’
- The beautiful soul of the Iranian taxi driver I had in Toronto who told me “People misuse religion because they do not understand nature. Everyone wants to make money so they brain wash the people. We are all one. There is no other truth.”
- My darling Beertje van Beers giving me ‘Open to desire’ by Mark Epstein
- ‘Open to desire’ by Mark Epstein
- Finding an old pack of Zig Zag rolling paper with these words written in my own handwriting under the flap “The gift of pure knowledge is the future”
- Knowing that you should run zig zag if you are ever being chased by a crocodile because they can only run fast in a straight line
- Royal Enfield motorcycles
- Romanian love letters
- Triple word scores in Scrabble
- K-mart Brandos
- Woody Woodpecker
- Mighty Mouse
- Miles Davis
- John Dillinger
- Pretty Boy Floyd
- Machine Gun Kelly
- Tom Rhodes of Dallas, Texas
- Tom Rhodes of Raleigh, North Carolina
- tomrhodes.net
- Stand-up records and Dan Schlissel
- The Madonna Inn of San Louis Obispo, California
- Hotel stationary
- In & Out burger of Southern California
- India spiced Chai
- The Columbia restaurant of Ybor City, Florida
- The Columbia restaurant Spanish cookbook
- Soup recipes
- My Jimi Hendrix grave rubbing that I have framed and hanging in my kitchen
- My low carb last super joke
- My camera phone joke
- My panther prowl
- Free drinks
- Apple juice
- Apple juice and vodka
- Elaine Stritch
- Jill Acuna’s amatuer photography
- Tamara Mooney
- The Smurfs
- Chinatown in San Francisco
- Seeing a hat trick at a hockey game and wondering if the player gets to keep all the hats
- The Yankees and Red Sox rivalry
- The Dodgers and Giants Rivalry
- Johnny Damon
- The Yankee code of having short hair and no facial hair
- Jimmy Childers and the funniest thing I ever saw at the Oviedo little league
- The World baseball classic
- Jimmy Neutron
- Having one foot in irony and one foot in pathos
- Mr. Smartie pants getting his dick slapped
- Pierre Woodman’s Private casting videos “O.K., now can you show me poopoo?”
- Sunset on Galway Bay in Ireland
- Galway, Ireland
- Roisin Dubh, Galway, Ireland
- Quay street, Galway, Ireland
- McDonagh’s Fish Shop on Quay Street in Galway I go to this place religiously every time I am in Galway. They serve fish that is better than cocaine. You will find yourself rubbing what fish residue you have left on your gums once you have cleaned your plate.
- Paddy McPoland
- Leaving tickets at the door for Bono every night whenever I perform in Dublin – just in case he might show up
- Van Morrison’s ‘No Guru, No Teacher, No Method’
- Tir Na Nog
- Harp Lager
- Thin Lizzy
- The Ha’ penny bridge in Dublin, Ireland
- Authentic Irish food served by authentic Polish people
- Seeing Mike McSavage perform on the streets of Dublin
- dublinpubcrawl.com (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
- Johnnie Foxe’s pub (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
- Belgian frites with mayonnaise (Dutchie style)
- Going Dutch
- The Rembrandt house in Amsterdam
- Actually meeting a guy named Rembrandt the last time I was in Amsterdam
- Rembrandt’s ‘Bathsheba being washed for David’
- The 1646 inventory of Rembrandt’s house
- Lekker Zonnetje – Tasty little sun
- Ziels Gelukkig – Soul happy
- He laas pindakaas – It’s a pity, peanut butter
- Ajax – The Amsterdam football club
- Ajax – Telamonian Ajax, a Greek hero in the Trojan war who rescued the body of Achilles and killed himself out of jealousy when Odyssus was awarded the armor of Achilles
- Knowing that if I was the President of the United States I would honor the Patriotic gay couples who moved into bad neighborhoods and turned them into profitable real estate markets
- The dog shit motorcycles of Paris In Paris I saw the coolest city vehicle, a motorcycle with a huge vacuum attachment on the back and the driver sucked up dogshit off the sidewalk with a long suction tube. What a job. Driving around Paris on a motorcycle sucking dog shit into a big pouch. I wonder if that guy loves his job and feels like a superhero “I am sorry my darling I cannot make love to you one more time, there is dog shit out there waiting for my rescue.”
- Jim Morrison’s Boy scout uniform
- Twisted tales of sex, drugs and Hollywood greed
- Pulling your cock out with authority
- Knowing that Elvis was never circumcised
- Friends with benefits
- Canadian true patriot love
- Sweet pink pork meat
- Blind Tiger – Shreveport, Louisiana
- Noble Savage – Shreveport, Louisiana
- Rachel’s Funnybone – Shreveport, Louisiana
- Creole and Cajun style of cooking
- Alacrity
- Altruism
- Transcendental filth
- The land of E plurabis unam
- How quickly in the world everyone needed a plasma screen TV
- That the answer to everything is always write more jokes
- Standing flat footed in America and telling it like it is
- Learning to breathe again
- 25 cent wing night
- Kentucky fried HA HA
- LSU cheerleaders
- Bona fide hustlers
- kinkyfriedman.com
- Born again strippers
- Avoiding hard labor
- Big dick rock & roll
- My 20 year high school reunion Yes I’m that old. I thought I would hate my HS reunion but I loved it. I wish they would have on every year. I have never felt better about myself. I felt like Brad Pitt. I have held up pretty good compared to some of the guys I thought were the biggest studs at our school growing up. Apparently there comes a time when a lot of people just say “Fuck it, I’m eating! Give me everything I can shovel into my mouth. Actually there were loads of beautiful people there because I went to school with many beautiful people. All jokes aside I grew up with fun good hearted people and I love them all. I was very happy to see one of my sweetest high school loves was the best looking girl there. Even with a few kids and running her own business she was still smoking and had she not been married I would have tried to take her back to the golf course where we used to roll around kissing as teens
- The essence of Ohm The eternal vibration of everything
- My beautiful Hindu tailors who are also brothers Rocky and Philip for being able to hand stitch the Hindu symbol of Ohm on the backs of my suits since I was inspired by George Harrison’s suit he wore for the people of Bangaladesh concert in 1972
- George Harrison He is definately the Beatle I would eat last if I were stranded in the Andes after a plane crash and I had to eat all of the Beatles (In their prime) to survive
- Healing and teaching peace
- The ancient mystic trinity
- Miracles reflecting the laws of eternity not of time
- Bright miracles shining
- Knowing that entertainment is America’s greatest export to the world
- Knowing that every flower was once a weed
- Getting to the heart of the center
- Knowing that the internet has only widened my confusion
- Knowing that the art we make is all that we leave behind
- Knowing that women are the highest form of art on the planet
- Knowing that all you need is deep within you waiting to reveal itself
- Never tiring of California
- Cheerful treason
- Petting your friend’s like animals. Why can’t you pet your friends like you do animals? I have many friends and sometimes it is a very long time until I see them and when I do I just want to pet them like animals.
- The doe’s scent
- Cantaloupes
- Fish and steamed vegetables
- Calling people handsome
- Calling people cowboy
- Calling people kingpin
- The secret life of vampires
- Practicing sperm management
- Lower intestinal fortitude
- Hot Pockets!
- Cultivating your garden *The Voltaire way
- Voltaire’s ‘Candide’
- Finally giving up on Gary Smithson and realizing you can’t turn an edit boy into a filmmaker
- Twan van de Nuiewehuisen working for the Eurovision song contest
- Phoning a previous life Knowing that if I was ever on “Who wants to be a millionaire?” in India and I didn’t know the answer to a question I wouldn’t ask if I could phone a friend, I would ask if I could phone a previous life.
- Killing on Raymann is Laat
- Being crazy with World cup fever
- El Salvador invading Honduras over a World Cup match outcome
- Argentinean footwork
- Mate de Coca
- The Tango
- Knowing that all I really need is a good woman, a guitar and a fishing pole
- The guidebook to Argentina
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